Being ok with silence

Something has shifted within me this week and I'm now significantly less anxious.

In the last 2 days, I haven't felt sad, disappointed, or anxious when I don't speak to Jay at night.  I don't go to sleep wondering if he's forgotten about me or if I'm insignificant.  I am confident that we'll talk tomorrow if not today. I think to myself, "silence now doesn't mean silence forever."

My newfound calmness is weird. I've never felt quite like this before. Is it because we spent a "real" weekend together? Is it because I can now integrate him into my life AND understand he how integrates me into his?

I went to bed last night reflecting on this sudden different way of being.  The greatest change is assuming that Jay is a staple in my life. I assume he will continue to be my life. I no longer question if he'll be there the next day.

What a minute.... is this what a healthy and secure attachment feels like? Because it's awesome. It means I don't have to spend so much frantic energy worrying about things that are out of my control (ex: he's not there the next day; he no longer likes me; he's going to fall-off-the-face-of-the-earth). I can focus on improving myself. I can also make short and long term plans without worrying about all the what-ifs.

Wow. What a different way to live. What an awesome way to just sit and "be."

I wonder how long this calmness will last because I like it!

Me-time in the midst of We-time.

I drove into town last night to spend the weekend with Jay. Today, we woke up early so he can get to school for a conference he is helping to organize. He'll be gone for half the day and I've been excited to take my work to a coffee-shop or library to catch-up and spend a "real" weekend together. I emphasize "real" because this is what it would be like if we spent weekends together like a real couple, each with our own lives, right? It's not full-time couch-time because we're stuck-at-the hip. I also get to enjoy knowing he's within minutes of me and that we can reunite in the next few hours! I revel in that feeling.

So, I found a gorgeous public library near his house and I've been sitting in this glass room for the past hour, enjoying every millisecond here. There's a beautiful botanical garden surrounding the library, and with small glass bulbs, as though there would be a party there at night. It's utterly romantic and I hope to show it to Jay sometime later this weekend. Once you get into the library, they have sections of the the building dedicated to teens, children, audio/visual materials, etc.  All of the doors are see-through, and the windows are also gigantic pieces of floor-to-ceiling glass. The building is big, airy, windowed, and with high-vaulted ceilings. It is a bit overcast today, so the sunlight coming in feels just right. Not too bright so that it burns your eyes; but brighter and happier than the glare of halogen lighting. Tons of trees surround the building, so I feel like I am sitting amongst the trees, yet connected to all the things I want and need: laptop, electrical outlets, air conditioning, indoor amenities! I am soo basking in this place.

I love libraries and I love my day today. I am so happy that I get to do my work and also be able to juggle my relationship. And I'm excited that my social life is at full-swing. After lunch, Jay's brother and I will take our dogs out to the dog park for an afternoon of four-legged frolic. At night, all of us humans are going to their friend's pool party!

I couldn't ask for a better day-- with the exception of all this hip muscle pain. Must. move. around. And then continue to bask in this contentedness.

Making first contact

So it turns out Jay was on a bike ride for a few hours, hence the unresponsiveness last afternoon.

Still, it's becoming more of a norm that he is less- or non-responsive to my texts.

For example, the super cute Easter egg picture that I sent him? No reaction. I also texted him late last night when walking home from the office at 2am. I asked if he was awake and based on his lack of response, I assumed no. Still, I woke up this morning hoping for a belated text or at least an acknowledgment of mine.  Give me something to work with!

We talked on the phone for a bit last night and it was such an relief for me. I've  really missed him this week and wanted to hear his voice. Being on the phone makes him real and I needed that.

Sometimes, I bask so much in my feelings of relief that I wonder if I seem unresponsive. I am distinctly aware of lulls in the conversation but I'm too busy releasing all that pent-up energy inside me. It's such a relieving process that I often forget what to say. By the time I finally get to speak to him or be in interaction, I no longer know what I wanted to tell him because it all seems trivial compared to tremendous release happening within me.

Fear: I agree with all of those listed.