Throughout the week, I have been thinking about important qualities that I want in a future partner. Qualities that I have overlooked and/or swept under the rug because NONE of my boyfriends have ever met even half of the criteria.
Besides, putting things down in-writing is a good way for me to be more accountable to myself in the future. So, here it is. These are the essentials for my future life partner, and the criteria that I will think consider in future dating.
1. I like him. I like him without thinking "if only he were more/less..." I simply like him for who he is without wanting to change him. That probably has more to do with me than him.
2. Ideally, he speaks another language and knows another culture so that he understands the bilingual and bicultural experience. I would like him to be from an immigrant family or be an immigrant himself so that we have similar experiences when it comes to adapting and acculturating. Our family experiences will also be more similar.
3. He is loyal. Honest. Truthful. This should be clear enough as it is, but it might not be. I have since realized that people have different understandings, so I want to be incredibly clear. It means no cheating: emotional or physical or any other way. There should be absolutely no lying. An omission by default is lying. Open and honest communication is non-negotiable and is the foundation to any healthy relationship. I recently learned that even after people are married, it is normal and healthy to be attracted to others. What’s important is not the attraction itself, but what you do with the attraction. I would much rather my partner tell me how he feels as opposed to sneak behind my back to stab me repeatedly. Absolutely nothing in my life has hurt as much as betrayal and infidelity.
4. He likes my family and friends. Ideally, he would love them as much as I do. And at the very least, he would understand that they are the first loves of my life and he would respect their importance.
5. He loves his family and he is also family-oriented. I plan to love his family and friends as much as he does, and I would want to respect that they are the first loves of his life.
6. He respects me. And he respects differences between us. This means that he doesn’t want to change me and he won’t denigrate what I believe in that is different from him.
7. He will resolve differences with me (respectfully). We can fight and disagree and we can also patch things up together to move forward together. If we are mad about something, then we are upset about a circumstance-specific incident, not at the whole person. No character attacks allowed. On my part and on his.
8. He believes in my passions with me, especially my career goals for social justice by helping the underserved and underrepresented groups. It means that he is an advocate of feminism, of spirituality, self-awareness, LGBTQ populations, disabled groups, immigrants and refugees, low SES groups, rural populations, etc. etc. I need him to be like me in the sense that he also wants to make the world a better place.
9. He has faith/spirituality. He believes in something bigger than us so that he has respect for the unknown and the ambiguous. This also means that he can’t play God. And it means that I can’t treat him like a God to make him the center of my universe.
10. He loves dogs. He absolutely, positively, has to adore Mr. Z. And more importantly, Mr. Z has to love him too, or else it’s a no-deal! If he had a dog, that would be wonderful too...
11. He believes in long-distance relationships. I can’t be with someone who believes in “out of sight, out of mind.” I have to know that despite any distance, we still choose each other. The world is a global village and being in different parts of a village should not change anything between us. We shouldn't be together just because we are conveniently living near one another.
12. He is financially independent and capable of taking care of himself. I am NOT a sugar mama and I deserve to be treated with chivalry and respect, and to be courted. We should be able to handle our own finances without being dependent on each other. Of course, depending on the circumstances, we may contribute in different ways to support each other. But I shouldn’t be constantly supporting someone who can’t take care of himself and his financial matters.
13. He believes in and lives a physically (& mentally) healthy and active lifestyle. I want to be with someone who believes in eating well, sleeping well, and maintaining his fitness. I want to do fun, outdoorsy physical activities together. I want to sleep early together, wake up early together, have breakfasts, and take the dog on runs, walks, and hikes together. I want to skydive together and have adventurous activities together. Like scuba dive, participate in a marathon, play golf together. The most important part is that if we are not healthy, then we cannot help others to become healthy. Morning-person preferred.
14. He loves my cooking and my attempts to eat healthy. See #13.
15. He has passion for what he does. That means he is living a life that he finds meaningful. He is doing things that he finds meaningful and he is making a dent in this world of ours. I am so fortunate to be in a profession that I have passion, excitement, and zest for. I’d like the same for him. I cannot be with someone who only works to make money. I've done that before and I cannot tolerate being with someone who works because it’s an ends-to-a-means and he’s always miserable. He has to have passion for what he’s doing… just like me!
16. He listens to me. He hears me. He validates me. Please don’t tell me what to do, lecture me, or try to change me to think like you. Demonstrate empathy so I feel validated and less alone. Help me feel like we are on the same team.
17. He believes in and actively seeks out compromise in our relationship. He doesn't have to make sacrifices. His attitude also shouldn't be my-way-or-the-highway. I would like him to make efforts to arrive at resolutions that we can both be happy with. I don’t want to always be the one that’s saying let’s meet in the middle. He should also take proactive steps for us to meet in the middle too.
18. He puts me in a high priority in his life. I don’t have to be the top priority, but I need to be up there somewhere. I also want to feel like I am a priority. I don’t want to feel like a person-of-convenience in his life. I’ve been there before and it has been devastating to feel used.
19. Our relationship is collaborative, mutual, loving, and egalitarian. Absolutely no gender role stereotyping allowed. Or any other form of stereotyping. I want to be an equal partner in every way possible. This means that sometimes I do what he does, and sometimes, he does what I do. There’s no such thing as “You’re the ___ (woman), you should do ____. I’m the ___ (man), only I can do ____.” He can just as easily be the person folding bath towels while I take the car out for regular maintenance.
20. He is optimistic in demeanor, flexible with changes, and he is open to diversity and differences. I don’t want to always worry about his reaction to negative circumstances. I don’t want to have to be so focused on his negativity that I lose track of my reaction or overlook the actual incident itself. His emotional reaction should not always be a heavy baggage for me. I need him to be easy-going for the most part. I need to know that he can bounce back from changes and that he will take them in-stride and move forward with me.
