When your boyfriend tells you he had a crush on one of his current friends...

I've been scouring blogs all day, trying to find anything to help me learn the skills to have a productive conversation about jealousy.

I haven't found one that can give me the concrete tools to do this.

I spent an entire week with Jay when we celebrated his graduation this past week. He flew in and spent about 4 days with me before we attended his ceremonies and then his bff's wedding. It was the most time I've ever spent with him. So, I've been in a bit of withdrawal since.

A lot happened last week. I'll save that for another post. The focus of this entry is about his disclosure that he had a crush on his friend while he had been in his last relationship.  Let me rewind...

Over the course of graduation weekend, one of Jay's friend, Connie, came to almost every gathering he had, from his 2 ceremonies, to the post-graduation lunch, breakfast the next day, and then dinner and movie night the following night. In between that time, she even gave him a gift and a card-- something none of his other friends offered him. Sweet, right?

A little excessively sweet. So much so that I noticed it and asked him on our 2.5 hour drive home. My question was initially innocuous because I hadn't expected anything out of the ordinary. I simply said to him, "Wow, I hadn't known you and Connie were so close. She came to every event this weekend and even gave you a gift!" To which he replied that he sees her as one of his top 3 friends from grad school. I was actually a little surprised by that answer, considering I know exactly who Jay's top 2 friends are, and have also felt close to them over the last two years. One of them is a girl, so I had asked him before if anything romantic ever happened between them since they spend so much time together, including sleeping over on vacation trips in large group settings. It didn't feel out-of-the-ordinary to pose this question again, and rather than respond like he did last time (he said "oh, she's like a sister to me"), he actually said, "Yeah, actually I had a crush on her when I was with my last girlfriend."

Huh?
What?
Come again?

There were so many things wrong with this sentence.
1) Had a crush on her
2) While in your last relationship
3) Had a crush? Or still has a crush?
4) In the midst of a relationship? Any relationship? This relationship?

I pushed away the shock factor and tried to ask more questions.
Me: So, why didn't you get together with Connie after you and your ex-girlfriend broke up?
Jay: It just didn't happen
Me: Why didn't you pursue Connie by ending things with your girlfriend? Your relationship fizzled in the end, so why didn't you jump ship if you felt chemistry with Connie?
Jay: We had been together together for 7 years!

I actually flipped out when he responded to my second question. I actually regret how reactive I was because it was not necessary to be so defensive. I said to him that if he EVER thought the grass was greener on the other side, then get the fuck out this relationship because I would not want number-of-years-together (aka loyalty) to be the only reason he feels tied down by me

And then a hot tear barrelled out from one eye so I had to stop the questions because it was too mortifying to let him know how emotionally intense I was feeling.

In essence, the conversation ended because 1) Jay is too dull (versus sharp) to notice how distressful this information was to me, and 2) I did not know how to continue the conversation in a way that would a) be constructive to our relationship and b) where I would be true to my own feelings.

It's been 3 days since this conversation and I still feel conflicted inside. I have a million questions swirling in my brain, none of which I feel confident in asking. The conflict is this: with any question I am asking, whose purpose am I serving? Is it because I want to know certain things for my own curiosity? Or am I asking certain questions to advance our relationship? This is a major distinction because couples do not need to know all the details to one another for a relationship to thrive or even continue. But individuals want to know for their own curiosity, and that curiosity can actually kill a relationship sometimes.

What to do, what to do?

Half a year later...

Hiiiiiiiii.....

I'm back! It's been 6 months since I've written, which can mean a number of things have happened.
1. I'm too happy in my relationship that I don't know what to write about anymore
2. I'm too upset/unhappy in my relationship that I decided ranting and raving was doing no good
3. I've found another venue to write about my relationship woes and successes
4. I've stopped writing altogether, and I've also stopped sitting with my feelings.

Well, there is no one answer that can sum up all of my complexities, but if we had to make a choice, the answer would have to be 1! And maybe a little bit of 4.

But now it's almost half a year later and there is certainly a great deal of change.

Yesterday, I drove down to Jay's place to help him pack up so he can begin his 15 hour drive to his new postdoc position. Goodbye, Jay. Hello, long distance relationship. I have been sad all day. I am also lucky, though, even if it doesn't feel entirely this way. Jay and his friends had to drive through my city on their way to their final destination, so they stopped to get gas here and I got to see him for 2 additional minutes.  I'm grateful for that. But still, I have felt gray inside after that.

The absence of Jay feels more substantial now than before. We took a 3-day trip together at the end of last week and the closeness and intimacy of road-tripping and living together have now clouded my sense of independence and autonomy. We left on Wednesday and drove 6 hours to another city where I had a professional conference to attend. I went to my sessions and received my award, and socialized with colleagues, friends, and acquaintances... All the meanwhile, Jay was my perfect companion/sidekick. If our genders were reversed, you would have said he was the trophy wife and I was the busy working man of the household.  Don't get me wrong, Jay is very very successful himself, and that is probably why he was so patient, relaxed, and able to adapt to whatever role I asked him to be. At times, my conference sessions ran late, so I was not able to meet him on time. There were also times when I couldn't respond to texts, so he would just have to wait for me. One of the ceremonies ended exactly one hour later and even then, Jay silently and patiently waited. I had hoped that for ONE of the nights, we could be entirely free to explore the city, eat whatever we wanted, and basically be anonymous and couple-y. But that did not happen. There were impromptu, spontaneous dinners planned with mentors I don't usually see. As a result, I had to cancel our private time and also delay our dinner time so that everyone can eat together. Poor Jay. He just waited. Again... silently and patiently. I seriously could not ask for a better guy.

On the drive home, I asked Jay what his favorite part of the trip was. I expected he would talk about one of the meals we had, or one of the walks he took on his own. Instead, his answer was, "spending time with you." I did not know how else to respond other than make a joke of it, minimize the meaning, and say "OK, seriously, what was your absolute favorite part of the trip? Not the restaurants?"

Sigh. I think this reflected my discomfort with unexpected intimacy and being able to express being moved by him.

The drive back was so long. I was so sleepy. As a result, Jay had to drive the first part and also the last part because I just couldn't hack it. When we got to my apartment around midnight, he came up to lie down with me for 30 minutes and then got into his car and drove another 2.5 hours to get to his home, where he had to prepare for his sunrise golf game with his mentors. Jay slept all of 1 hour that day, and when I drove down to meet him and his family to pack that night, he was basically a zombie. Why did he come with me to my conference when he had so much to do to prepare for his move? I really don't know. Trust me, I asked. He just kept saying, don't worry, it'll get done. It did, ultimately, but at the cost of sleep!

So, he's been on the road for about 10 hours now, and there's 5ish left. I'm grateful he has his 2 friends with him. Knowing he has social support takes away some of my fears that he's too sleepy on his own.

Looking back at some of my entries, I've really vented quite a bit about Jay and looked forward to having free time so I wouldn't be commuting on the weekends. I'm still looking forward to saving 5 hours/week driving, but my heart feels heavy and my world feels gloomy knowing he is not in a driving distance from me, and not even in the same time zone anymore. I miss him sooo much and I hadn't even realized how significant his absence would feel to me. There is a hole in my chest!

Emotional exhaustion.

I'm exhausted.

I completed my first year as a faculty member doing teaching, research, service, mentoring, and now the cycle begins again.

As great as Jay is, the more we get to know each other, the more differences I see between us. Our communication styles, our culture of community (I guess that's the same thing), our values and interests (diet, health), and I'm less optimistic about a future as I was before.

I adore Jay but seeing each other weekly is also taking its toll on me. Weekly 2.5 hour drives (ONE-WAY!) is too much for me. He is bringing 2 of his friends to town this weekend and staying at my place (while my mom's here). They want to go hiking and the timing couldn't be worse. To begin, I'm still in the midst of moving! Secondly, I can't hike because my hip is injured! Also... isn't that a bit selfish? Bringing his troop to do fun things in my backyard when I can't even participate in those activities?

I just want a break from everything and everyone. The events of this year exhaust me, and can be summarized as working a gajillion hours a week followed by being a weekend (full-time) girlfriend. I need a weekend solo. I need a week solo.

I saw this article and it validated so much of my feelings, reactions, and thoughts: The most productive people know who to ignore.

What do ya'll think?

Hiatus

Hello.

Been awhile-- an entire summer since I've written.
I went abroad for a month and saw my family. I saw a lot of Eastern Medicine doctors after one of them said I'm too stressed and may faint any moment. I got some intense chiropractic work done from all the hip pain I got from extreme crossfitting.  And when I got back from Asia, I found that my house had been robbed.  In the last 2 weeks, I still made it to my professional conference (with Jay in tow), and I spent the weekend moving out of my house and into an apartment. A gated apartment!

The semester begins tomorrow and I am so so so not ready. I have many mixed emotions and don't know where to begin.

I'll start with Jay because he was such a wonderful hero throughout my moving process; and without him, it could not have happened.  On the downside, he has not initiated any conversation with my mom and my mom has also spoken minimally to him even though the 3 of us are the most critical people in this moving process.  Mom is here, helping me with the move, and she has acknowledged Jay's hard work but his subpar social skills.  It's not etiquette, per se. It's not solely introversion either. Culture plays a rather significant role here, making the situation entirely fault-less, but still uncomfortable and unsettling for me.

Jay's typically a quiet guy, and shines when he's with extroverts. They ask him a million questions and he answers with flair.  But without people asking him those questions, he becomes just a listener. Not really a great listener, but a listener. Almost like... a wall. I can't even say he's absorbing what I'm saying. But he's there? If you behave in that manner with an older Asian person, like a girlfriend's mother for example-- it comes off seeming rude.

So, two things have happened in the last month that have really got me questioning our compatibility. The first happened when we took my/our first-ever trip together, 2 weeks ago. We arrived at the airport and when we got to the security check gate, he moved forward without so much as glancing a look at me. He put his stuff on the security machine, walked through the security check and never bothered looking back to see where I was. He retrieved his items and then continued briskly walking forward. Meanwhile, I stood there in shock.

What. the. fuck.

Aren't you supposed to wait for your partner when you do those things together? Even if you aren't dating, don't you wait for your travel companion to walk together?

The other thing happened this weekend when Jay helped me move. Don't get me wrong, he did so much for this move. But there were times when I or my mom would be carrying things while he was empty-handed; and rather than offering to help or even asking how we were doing, he'd just walk past us.

My mom has described  feeling invisible during the times the 3 of us have spent time together. He doesn't speak to her (he'll speak when spoken to, of course), he doesn't really even look at her, and he has made plans that completely disregard her. The more I think about it, the more livid I feel.

At one point during the weekend, my mom shed tears and remarked that both my brother and I tend to date outside of our native culture and language. She said that both of our partners have been hard to bond with and be close to; so she is resigning herself to the fact that she will be losing her children rather than gaining additional son- and daughter- in laws. This was so difficult to hear and perhaps that is why I feel so upset.

If my mom hadn't mentioned these observations, I might have swept everything under the rug. In fact, I've blamed myself, wondering if I'm too entitled by expecting him to anticipate my needs. But it's not, is it?