Post-its to yourself

As I continue to have flashback memories of B., I also had a powerful memory just now that I want to make sure to remember.

I tried to break up with B. so many times. But I was weak then, and too concerned about hurting him and also hurting myself even more.  One of my final attempts included the help of a close friend, Maria. She had watched me suffer throughout the latter part of the relationship and was witnessing me spiral towards the end. She had never seen me so drained and so unhappy, that she, and along with other friends, told me in different ways that "the light inside [you] that is so bright is being sucked out of you."

One day, as we sat in my apartment, I told her I was finally done with B. She took immediate action after I told her this, and said she will help me make sure not to feel sorry for him again. She knew that I was scared of ending things: for him and for myself.  

It only took her minutes, but she did something that really made such a difference in my empowerment process. She grabbed a post-it pad from my desk and began scribbling.  I didn't pay much attention, but later, she went around my apartment and posted she wrote in different rooms and places: bathroom mirror, kitchen cabinets, TV, walls, etc.

Each post-it had its own short message. They said things like:

• Stay in a relationship out of love, not fear.
• You deserve to be happy.
• You are NOT alone.
• You can totally do this.
• People who love you do not hurt you repeatedly.
• People who love you take "no" for an answer.
• A cheater betrays you because of him, not because of you.

I looked at those post-its everyday for a month even after he left for New York. The post-its were my friends. They represented the people who loved me, who saw me for who I was before him, and they supported me when I felt most alone. I have saved those post-its and to this day, I feel so grateful for my friend Maria, and for the messages that I needed when self-empowerment was not accessible to me.

So often in life, we may feel alone, yet we have the love of so many others who may not be around you to give you that immediate feedback. That's OK, though. Even if you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there. Give it to yourself! Channel them! Bring them into your world and space through whatever way that is liberating.

Apparently, post-it notes are the thing for me. This memory brings such a smile to my face and I'm reminded of how lucky I am, how loved I am, and how blessed I've been to have had, and continue to have good people being the majority of those around me.

Setback

I read my last entry and began to cry.
I felt sorry for myself. Sad about my history. Heartbroken that I experienced and continue to have flashback experiences of such fear and helplessness.

Being "discovered" by B. is like being "caught" when running away from someone chasing you down. I feel so vulnerable and scared. It's no wonder I'm experiencing such a setback in my productivity this week.

For all I know, B. was just curious to look up my name and see what I'm doing these days. Now that he knows, he is very likely to be laughing at me, actually. Last time we saw each other, he had gotten a job in New York City, and has therefore achieved his dream of being in a big city. Even when we were in grad school together, he always mocked where we were and called it a "village" even though it clearly wasn't.  He's definitely laughing at me now and thinking I live in a completely rural community.

I don't mind that much, actually. I don't particularly care what he thinks. Sure, my ego might be a bit bruised, but I'm happy for the most part. I didn't want to be in New York city. I had the option of going there for a job, but I knew he was there and I also did not want that kind of lifestyle.

Here's one perk of being in a small town. He won't come down to find me because he'll never "be in the neighborhood" for any reason other than to find me. And if that's the case, then that would be my biggest fear come true. Yes. You read right. It is one of my biggest fears to see him because he denies hearing anything he doesn't want to hear. He has no respect for any of my feelings. And he has walked over me, crushed me, and manipulated me in every way possible.
So many examples come to mind:

• He told me once, before I went to work, that I should not wear big belts because I am "short and chubby" and a belt would cut my length in half. He said that the big belt look is for models who are tall and skinny and therefore it is not flattering for me at all.
• He punished me when I ate food that I loved because he didn't like to kiss me afterwards. He would turn his face away from me or push me away until I did exactly what he wanted.
• In the bedroom, he told me that "American girls are lazy; they just lay around."  That was his way of conveying to me that I was part of a inferior culture and that I was one of many many women for him; especially one that wasn't doing it good enough for him.
• He did not respect me anytime I said no. He forced me against my will even when I explicitly said no. No to: being poked, tickled, having sex when I didn't want to, cook a meal at 11pm because he was manic and had excess energy, go for liquor runs even though I hated doing that...

All of this hits me now and I feel so completely drained. What a setback.

Feeling dirty.

The other day, I opened my email and saw that someone had "discovered me" in my linked in profile.  Who was it? A huge picture popped up and it was my emotionally and sexually ex-boyfriend, B.

My heart fell into my stomach and I quickly turned off my computer and walked away. In the afternoon, I left work early and took Mr. Z. for a long 2-mile walk. I returned home at night, still unable to open-up my computer.

I showered that night. Afterwards, I took a bath. I watched some TV. I cooked. I played my guitar. Nothing felt right. It was like my space had been invaded-- again. My goosebumps returned. Fear filled my chest and the rest of my upper body. I felt dirty, as though I'd been exposed to an outbreak virus that I couldn't wash off.

Some history:
When I caught B. cheating years ago, we stayed together for another year. During that time, I was never angry. I was never able to feel hate. All I felt was sadness and the pressure to take care of him above myself myself. I felt guilt every time I contemplated leaving him because of the pain I could cause him. I was scared of the potential devastation it would cause him. He would also never allow me to break up with him because he'd come back again and again and again. Until I was too exhausted to say no to him.

B. is a master manipulator who has womanized more women than I could ever count. I accidentally discovered him seeing 3 other women (I found this all out in a weekend period, spread out!)-- so can you imagine how many women he was with during our 2 year relationship? I'm not even considering how much he cheated when he had been in relationships before me.

I hate him now and I'm so glad I am capable of having feelings other than sadness and guilt. I hate him. I fear him. I am terrified he has found me and may show up at my door one day. 

In typical B. fashion, he will look at me with excitement, like we are long-lost friends who are re-united. He will act as though there has been no pain, betrayal, or damage inflicted by him. He will want to touch me, hug me, poke me, and he will crush my boundaries. I will want to curl into myself and disappear so that he can leave me alone. I will threaten to call the police again and I will consider it sexual harassment if he shows up. I've told him before that I never want to see him again. I've warned him that I will seek legal consultation if he ever invades my space again.  The problem is, he never listens to what I have to say and he will do what he wants to do.

It's such a helpless feeling to have. It's times like these, I feel so powerless being a woman instead of a man, being physically weaker, smaller, and less able to protect and defend myself. I want to be a feminist about this, but the truth is, I don't feel empowered in this case.

Couples Vacation

Jay and I have talked about taking a trip together to visit the city I lived in last year! I still have friends there. The summers are gorgeous there. And it would be my first trip with a partner-- ever.

I'm psyched, nervous, excited, and of course, there's dread.  I've realized that when there's excessive anxiety, I feel automatic dread.

I asked Jay yesterday how he feels about taking this trip in the next month. He's fine with it, and now the ball is in my court. Book those tickets?  I'm really quite nervous. What emotional reactions will I have when I'm back in the city reminiscing all the "should haves, would haves, could haves?"

What if I cry while I'm there because this trip is also a closure to the life I always imagined I'd be having? Flashing lights, happening people, city life.

What if, the things that are meaningful to me don't feel that way to him?

What if we want to do different things while we're there? Eat different things? See different things?

What if, what if, what if...

A couples trip is a BIG deal. I've heard that travelling can be a deal-breaker experience because that is when you see a version of your partner that is different from your day-to-day experience. That fact is nerve-wracking.

What if he sees something on this trip that completely horrifies him? (That would be me. He sees something in me that is horrifying?!)