I was triggered earlier tonight by a situation that happened between a couple in my family: my grandparents. Having gone out with the rest of the family for an event, we had thought that my grandparents would stay in for the night. For some reason, however, my grandmother, who is 80 years old, left the house and rode her bike to who-knew-where and was gone for hours on end from about 6-9pm. My grandfather, who is 10 years older and therefore 90 years old, woke up from his late afternoon nap as usual and waited for her. And he waited and he waited and he waited... and proceeded to freak out as the clock ticked on by.
About 2 years ago, a similar situation had happened when my grandmother went out to buy the newspaper. She had ridden her bicycle to the nearby shop and on the way there, she was hit by a motorcyclist-- a drive-and-run-- and she ended up with a concussion and multiple fractures. Pedestrians walking by saw her laying on the ground and were quick to call the ambulance and to get her the help she needed. My grandfather had been waiting for her at home and alerted via phone by the police. This incident happened only two years ago and it was a miracle that she survived and that she continues to have her health even after such an accident.
So, tonight, my grandpa called me. Not only, not twice, but three times over the course of the 3 hours. He was scared, anxious, and I'm sure lonely, too, when he asked to see if we knew where grandma was. He was so fearful of another accident like the one two years ago, and the panic in his voice was clear. He also hadn't eaten dinner and when I asked if he was hungry, he sounded like a lost little boy wandering the streets, homeless and hungry. Grandma usually never leaves the house during mealtime and if she did, she would always leave the meal out on the table so that grandpa would eat without her. This time, there was only bread and some snacks on the table. So the only deduction was that she would be returning soon and that he should not panic, but rather patiently wait and perhaps relax and watch TV. I would have rushed home in a second, but the reason we were out was because of an important social event that was mandatory. Nevertheless, I could barely sit still throughout, and as the time passed, the panic in grandpa's voice grew stronger each time and it was harder to explain to him that no news is good news, because accidents mean that someone/some institution, whether it is the police or the hospital, contacts the family. Eventually, I called my uncle, who fortunately, was nearby and able to head straight to the house to placate grandpa and to spend time with him. Shortly thereafter, grandma returned home and they called to let me know that all was well.
This short story (which lasted only about 3 hours) has a good ending. Still, I have to confess that the process nearly drove me crazy and it was all I could do not to hail a cab to go straight home to see grandpa. It was all I could do not to call every single one of grandma's friends to ask her, "Hey, is my grandma with you? Do you know where she is? Why isn't she home yet?" I did, by the way. I called as many friends as I knew of hers, but not all. And naturally, that was where she was anyway. She had stopped by a friend's house and ended up staying longer than she thought. She left bread for grandpa for dinner, but honestly, it really seems to be a snack for us, considering the excellent chef that she is.
Anyways, my point to this story is that I get it.
I SO understand what my grandpa was feeling during those arduous 3 hours of waiting and not knowing what was happening to grandma.
I can fully relate to the anxiety of wondering where your loved one is when you can't reach them. Did they die in an accident? Are they hurt and perhaps unable to get the help that is needed to get better or to return home? Are they in pain, whether it is physical or emotional, and are they scared? Where are they? What are they doing? Why can't I reach them? Why don't they respond to me trying to find them? What if I can't never reach them again? Ah, these questions. They are so familiar to me, and this situation is what I have always struggled with when it comes to my loved ones, may it be my mom or any of the boyfriends I have had.
Throughout my life history, when I have not been able to immediately find the person that I am looking for (usually my mom when I was little and in my adult life, my romantic partner), I skyrocket straight into panic mode. I blast-off into catastrophic thoughts like "Oh my gosh, s/he is dead. I just know it. S/he got hit by a car. Or was robbed at gunpoint. Or drove into a pole. Or some other calamity." I envision not knowing when the moment happened that they left and I became abandoned. My heart accelerates exponentially. My breath gets caught and I feel like I am running out of air, and I quite literally feel as though an ulcer is growing within me, first from my stomach and then expanding into my limbs. Sometimes I cry, but mostly I just panic and need to either pace around or to talk to someone. Fast. I think about all the things I wish I could say to them and all the things I haven't yet said. I think about good memories with them and miss them. I also think about bad memories with them and regret when I have been upset or angry with them and not appreciated them for even being in my life.
Then I jump into another mode. This one even scarier. I think to myself, "Maybe s/he is not injured or dead. It is possible that s/he has not left this earth and left me alone in this world. Maybe s/he just doesn't want to talk to me." Now this is a much worse thought because then I plummet into whirlwind of crazy thoughts centered around not being wanted. I fantasize scenarios in which they choose to call someone else other than me. Or they are cheating/choosing to be with someone else other than me. I envision that they may have schemed behind my back to leave me and are not enacting their plan. I imagine a scene with such vividness that I think it's real, that they pick up the phone, see that I'm calling and purposely choose not to pick up. This scenario is perhaps the worst of all, even more painful to imagine than them dying or being injured, because this is strategic, intentional abandonment as opposed to unexpected, sudden, out of control abandonment due to outside forces rather than between us.
So, yes, it is so familiar to me to know what panic feels like when I talked to my grandpa and heard in his voice, the helpless and anxious feelings that he has when he was unable to reach my grandma. The situation felt even more intense for me considering my grandpa is 90 years old and fully dependent on my grandmother for everything. For his 3 meals/day, for his mobility because he needs his wheelchair and cane, for any and every practical day-to-day as well as long-term issue such as where are there social security cards and where are their passports kind of questions, and also because they have been each other's companions for the past 60+ years. My attachment to anyone is significantly lesser than theirs, and yet, I can vouch that for me, no torture is greater than the anxiety that I feel when I am unable to reach my attachment figure.
Sometimes I have these moments when I think about my ex-boyfriend. I have felt this after every break-up and even beforehand too. My fear rises from my lower abdomen and simply suffocates me from within. At least by being a country away from B right now, I am able to distance my emotions when I think about him and not being able to know where he is/ what he's doing/ how he's doing. Unrealistically, I think all the time about whether he's alive or not. I wonder if something has happened to him since we last saw each other/talked. I think about the possibility that he may be injured or hurt and hope that he doesn't ever feel lonely or sad or turn to negative forms of coping to bring himself lower. I wonder secretly to himself, whether he needs me and I also throw out the likelihood that he may have already easily replaced me with someone else and is living happily ever after without me.
Tonight, when I experienced that panic vicariously through my grandpa, I realized that I have always been like this, with every partner in every relationship, and with an equal intensity of pain and angst. It's no them, it's me. It's not that they are so special that I fear losing them. And none of them have ever been in any real danger of hurt/harm anyways. It's me. It's my fear of losing someone significant to me, and of being replaced by or skipped over because of someone else. I fear that when I lose the people that I love, that it's because they CHOOSE to leave me. They choose to leave me for someone better and they choose to leave me for a world (heaven?) that's better. Again, it routes back to this feeling of feeling unworthy of love, perhaps? Of being not enough for them and insufficient so that they would want to choose something/someone that is better than me. Because I'm not good enough for them to stay with or to live with.
It is quite liberating to recognize that my fears of abandonment are MINE. Regardless of the partner that I have, my fear of abandonment has always been consistent, and therefore, totally unrelated to any specific person other than myself. Knowing this is empowering. Realizing this allows me to know that I have not yet met someone who is SOOO special that losing him really is the end of the world for me. Heck, if I were rational enough, I would be able to say that even if I did lose the love of my life, the world still should not end for me and that I still should/must be able to go on. Anyway, I digress.
My point is that my fear is mine, and therefore no one can ever give it to me, nor take it away from me. The only person that can help me to stop living in fear, panic, and anxiety when I cannot reached a loved one, is... well, me. Only I can fix myself and only I can find a solution for my heartaches, heart pains, and heart angsts.
This is all very hopeful for me, don't you think?
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Love will conquer all... actually, just you. Love will conquer you.
Hollywood has messed me up big-time.
Take a movie like "Knocked Up" for example. If you don't know the story, the short summary is that a beautiful, accomplished, hard-working, no-nonsense girl gets "knocked up" by a stereotypically fat, basically-unemployed, lazy, pot-smoking guy over a one-night stand. Being that this is a romantic comedy, the guy obviously tries to do the "right thing" by sticking around for the pregnancy through-and-through. And along the way, he cleans himself up, becomes a grown-up rather than a little boy, and proves that ultimately he is the prince charming that she hadn't even noticed was under her nose all along. Obviously, they live happily ever after and you know that they eventually become the happy and traditional 3-member nuclear family with mom and dad in love raising their baby not out of wedlock but in a love-filled marriage and relationship.
UGH.
I mean, seriously, ugh! With a storyline like this, it's no wonder I am such a loyal follower and subscriber of the philosophy that love will make the world go around. Or that love conquers all, saves all, brings peace and joy to all!
But what happens when your partner is simply incompatible for you? Unhealthy for you? Heck, perhaps even abusive in some way? Does love conquer all, then?
For me, the answer has always been yes. Heck yes! And if that partner seems deficient in some way and in need of rehabilitation of some form, then even more so! Yes to the infinite and more! So I give and give and give. I offer unconditional love and throw in my complete self, my self-worth, my essence, by entire being to the relationship and to him! I develop tunnel vision specifically for my relationship, or more specifically, for him, and invest every bit of my energy into helping him into the better/best man that he can be, and I hold ever so faithfully to the ideology of love, my love, being able to conquer all.
Conquer what, you say? What actually stands in the way, you might wonder? Funnily enough, having done some deep reflections over the past year, I've realized that when I say "all", I mean to say "you: my partner". My love will change you. My love MUST change you. Because look, in movies like "knocked up" and other romantic comedies that have happy endings, the losers change themselves to be with the amazing person. The "weaker" partner strives to become better because of their other half, and whatever was deficient or in need of rehabilitation is improved (if not skyrocketed to perfection).
.... and all in the name of love.
So when a partner of mine hasn't changed, I have always thought I didn't work hard enough. Didn't love unconditionally enough. Whatever I did just wasn't enough, or else my love should have inspired him to be better. To change. That is, if our love was strong enough, if I loved him enough for him to love me back, then he would work to improve himself so that he could change his cheating ways for me. Or.... give up smoking for me. For us. Give up drinking for us. Get on antidepressants for us. Be more grateful for all that he has because of us. And the list goes on...
How silly of me. Throughout all of these years and with all of my guys... I always clung onto the same philosophy that if I loved just a little more unconditionally, then they would love be back in return and they would start to change so that we could be happy together. So that I could be happy. I never really imagined meeting someone who would automatically be Prince Charming. Nor did I think that when NONE of my ex-boyfriends were Prince Charming, that I should just accept it for what it was, and move on. Oh, no. Because I'm not a quitter and because I always see a flicker of hope in every situation. So what if he's been a lifelong drug addict who has had violent tendencies in the past and a value system that is practically 100% different from mine? We have one or two things in common, so heck, why not build from that and see what happens? And so it begins... my journey, my project, my quest to use my love to change the other person.
And as you know, I fail every single time and I always end up confirming my secret fear that I am unlovable, that I am unworthy of being loved, that my best isn't my best and that I am simply not good enough. I reason that if any those things were untrue, then my partner-- who usually IS unhealthy in some way-- would have changed for me because I already gave up everything for him. Along with my love, he has complete power and control over my sense of self-worth, my day-to-day emotional well-being, my sense of identity! If his day is going badly, then I am having a bad day too-- even if I got a promotion that day, or if I had a wonderful day, myself.
All this goes back to the title of my blog-- it's not just romantic relationships I need to work on, but my relationship with myself. Why do I give so much power, influence, and control to others? Why am I unable to have my own sense of purpose outside of relationships and feeling like I am loved and accepted by someone? As hard as it is to grapple with such a salient, and likely life-long issue to work on, Hollywood movies like the one I wrote about at the beginning of this entry contribute to unhealthy expectations about love, change, and compatibility.
A note to myself for future reference: Trust your initial instincts when meeting a romantic interest. Usually, you are a great judge of character and have obviously surrounded yourself very well with healthy, loving, friends. With a prospective romantic partner, trust your gut feeling when you meet/interact with him and try to let-go of the belief that he deserves just one more date to make a better impression. If you saw red flags on the 1st date, 2nd date, 3rd date, heck, 4th date, you already gave him more than enough chances to be the person that is right for you. Don't cling onto what may be... or the potential of who he may become... What will inevitably happen is that once you're in a committed relationship with this person, you will change yourself to adapt to his red flags, while simultaneously trying to change him into someone he is not (albeit better, but ultimately, it is not who he is, and not what your sole purpose should be in a relationship). Remember this, please.
Take a movie like "Knocked Up" for example. If you don't know the story, the short summary is that a beautiful, accomplished, hard-working, no-nonsense girl gets "knocked up" by a stereotypically fat, basically-unemployed, lazy, pot-smoking guy over a one-night stand. Being that this is a romantic comedy, the guy obviously tries to do the "right thing" by sticking around for the pregnancy through-and-through. And along the way, he cleans himself up, becomes a grown-up rather than a little boy, and proves that ultimately he is the prince charming that she hadn't even noticed was under her nose all along. Obviously, they live happily ever after and you know that they eventually become the happy and traditional 3-member nuclear family with mom and dad in love raising their baby not out of wedlock but in a love-filled marriage and relationship.
UGH.
I mean, seriously, ugh! With a storyline like this, it's no wonder I am such a loyal follower and subscriber of the philosophy that love will make the world go around. Or that love conquers all, saves all, brings peace and joy to all!
But what happens when your partner is simply incompatible for you? Unhealthy for you? Heck, perhaps even abusive in some way? Does love conquer all, then?
For me, the answer has always been yes. Heck yes! And if that partner seems deficient in some way and in need of rehabilitation of some form, then even more so! Yes to the infinite and more! So I give and give and give. I offer unconditional love and throw in my complete self, my self-worth, my essence, by entire being to the relationship and to him! I develop tunnel vision specifically for my relationship, or more specifically, for him, and invest every bit of my energy into helping him into the better/best man that he can be, and I hold ever so faithfully to the ideology of love, my love, being able to conquer all.
Conquer what, you say? What actually stands in the way, you might wonder? Funnily enough, having done some deep reflections over the past year, I've realized that when I say "all", I mean to say "you: my partner". My love will change you. My love MUST change you. Because look, in movies like "knocked up" and other romantic comedies that have happy endings, the losers change themselves to be with the amazing person. The "weaker" partner strives to become better because of their other half, and whatever was deficient or in need of rehabilitation is improved (if not skyrocketed to perfection).
.... and all in the name of love.
So when a partner of mine hasn't changed, I have always thought I didn't work hard enough. Didn't love unconditionally enough. Whatever I did just wasn't enough, or else my love should have inspired him to be better. To change. That is, if our love was strong enough, if I loved him enough for him to love me back, then he would work to improve himself so that he could change his cheating ways for me. Or.... give up smoking for me. For us. Give up drinking for us. Get on antidepressants for us. Be more grateful for all that he has because of us. And the list goes on...
How silly of me. Throughout all of these years and with all of my guys... I always clung onto the same philosophy that if I loved just a little more unconditionally, then they would love be back in return and they would start to change so that we could be happy together. So that I could be happy. I never really imagined meeting someone who would automatically be Prince Charming. Nor did I think that when NONE of my ex-boyfriends were Prince Charming, that I should just accept it for what it was, and move on. Oh, no. Because I'm not a quitter and because I always see a flicker of hope in every situation. So what if he's been a lifelong drug addict who has had violent tendencies in the past and a value system that is practically 100% different from mine? We have one or two things in common, so heck, why not build from that and see what happens? And so it begins... my journey, my project, my quest to use my love to change the other person.
And as you know, I fail every single time and I always end up confirming my secret fear that I am unlovable, that I am unworthy of being loved, that my best isn't my best and that I am simply not good enough. I reason that if any those things were untrue, then my partner-- who usually IS unhealthy in some way-- would have changed for me because I already gave up everything for him. Along with my love, he has complete power and control over my sense of self-worth, my day-to-day emotional well-being, my sense of identity! If his day is going badly, then I am having a bad day too-- even if I got a promotion that day, or if I had a wonderful day, myself.
All this goes back to the title of my blog-- it's not just romantic relationships I need to work on, but my relationship with myself. Why do I give so much power, influence, and control to others? Why am I unable to have my own sense of purpose outside of relationships and feeling like I am loved and accepted by someone? As hard as it is to grapple with such a salient, and likely life-long issue to work on, Hollywood movies like the one I wrote about at the beginning of this entry contribute to unhealthy expectations about love, change, and compatibility.
A note to myself for future reference: Trust your initial instincts when meeting a romantic interest. Usually, you are a great judge of character and have obviously surrounded yourself very well with healthy, loving, friends. With a prospective romantic partner, trust your gut feeling when you meet/interact with him and try to let-go of the belief that he deserves just one more date to make a better impression. If you saw red flags on the 1st date, 2nd date, 3rd date, heck, 4th date, you already gave him more than enough chances to be the person that is right for you. Don't cling onto what may be... or the potential of who he may become... What will inevitably happen is that once you're in a committed relationship with this person, you will change yourself to adapt to his red flags, while simultaneously trying to change him into someone he is not (albeit better, but ultimately, it is not who he is, and not what your sole purpose should be in a relationship). Remember this, please.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Not all improvements are equal
Before leaving for my trip abroad, I sat down to dinner with a good friend of mine and got one of the best take-home messages ever. It was tough love, but I appreciated it and continue to remember it, even 10,000 miles away from home.
To begin, she was skeptical about my break-up and hesitant to believe that I could. Her disbelief was quite painful to hear. She was a bit cold and detached, and understandably so, considering how much pain she's seen me go through in that relationship. Her main message was clear: "Are you sure you're not going to get back together? I've seen you go in and out of this relationship several times, and even when things have been OK in your relationship, I've seen you ride a roller coaster of emotions because of him. What makes you so sure that this time, you're really leaving and he won't be able to manipulate his way back into your life?"
Her question hurt me because I had hoped for support, faith, and encouragement. I hadn't expected having to explain myself, but doing so led to more resolve within me to stick to my plan and to prove (not just to myself but also) to others that THIS IS IT! I'm leaving this time around because the straw has broken the camel's back!
My friend also pushed me one step further to question, "what if he changes? what if he improves himself and then comes back to you? what will you do then? why wouldn't you take him back? what would stop you from taking him back?" She talked about her life lessons from being in unhealthy relationships herself. And she cried. I cried. We cried. Basically, she emphasize to me that no matter how much change people make, the history of our relationship will always be there, and could I really truly be in a relationship with someone who has once made me feel the way that he has?
Strangely enough, I already knew what she was talking about because I did think I could overcome our history. I always thought that with unconditional love, then he would change for the better, not necessarily for me or for us, but for him too! I so strongly believed in his growth and change every single time I took him back. Every. single. time. No matter how unforgivable he was.
If I were to score him, I would say that when we broke up for the first time one year ago, his mistakes had been unforgivable and he was truly, utterly, undeniably an "F---" boyfriend. TRULY. Over time, I guess you can say he improved. When you go from being caught cheating in 2 different ways with 2 different people, I'm not sure how much lower you can go from being a failure of a boyfriend. You can only go up afterwards. So, in that sense, I suppose he did grow. From F- to D, from D to D+, and for this most recent break-up, I could rate him as a C--- because nothing could be as bad as what he's done in the past. But his decision making and his actions continue to be way below average. Let's see... texting another woman? Sharing intimate details about what he does on a day-to-day basis? Letting her believe that they have a special relationship? Not telling me that this person even exists, let alone is in communication with him? He's lucky I'm even considering that a C- because I can easily classify that in the F- category again. Nevertheless, he thinks he's changed and that his moral compass is much improved.
I beg to differ, and I realize now that not all change is equal. When it comes to matters of the heart, and all others matters to, actually, I try to give 100%. I strive to do A+ work and to work as hard as I can. And I have in this relationship! I deserve more than A and I have to stop settling for C-. I can't fall into his crazy belief that C- is so much better than F, and that he is so much more of a changed man. Cheating is cheating and that is an automatic fail. Remember that.
To begin, she was skeptical about my break-up and hesitant to believe that I could. Her disbelief was quite painful to hear. She was a bit cold and detached, and understandably so, considering how much pain she's seen me go through in that relationship. Her main message was clear: "Are you sure you're not going to get back together? I've seen you go in and out of this relationship several times, and even when things have been OK in your relationship, I've seen you ride a roller coaster of emotions because of him. What makes you so sure that this time, you're really leaving and he won't be able to manipulate his way back into your life?"
Her question hurt me because I had hoped for support, faith, and encouragement. I hadn't expected having to explain myself, but doing so led to more resolve within me to stick to my plan and to prove (not just to myself but also) to others that THIS IS IT! I'm leaving this time around because the straw has broken the camel's back!
My friend also pushed me one step further to question, "what if he changes? what if he improves himself and then comes back to you? what will you do then? why wouldn't you take him back? what would stop you from taking him back?" She talked about her life lessons from being in unhealthy relationships herself. And she cried. I cried. We cried. Basically, she emphasize to me that no matter how much change people make, the history of our relationship will always be there, and could I really truly be in a relationship with someone who has once made me feel the way that he has?
Strangely enough, I already knew what she was talking about because I did think I could overcome our history. I always thought that with unconditional love, then he would change for the better, not necessarily for me or for us, but for him too! I so strongly believed in his growth and change every single time I took him back. Every. single. time. No matter how unforgivable he was.
If I were to score him, I would say that when we broke up for the first time one year ago, his mistakes had been unforgivable and he was truly, utterly, undeniably an "F---" boyfriend. TRULY. Over time, I guess you can say he improved. When you go from being caught cheating in 2 different ways with 2 different people, I'm not sure how much lower you can go from being a failure of a boyfriend. You can only go up afterwards. So, in that sense, I suppose he did grow. From F- to D, from D to D+, and for this most recent break-up, I could rate him as a C--- because nothing could be as bad as what he's done in the past. But his decision making and his actions continue to be way below average. Let's see... texting another woman? Sharing intimate details about what he does on a day-to-day basis? Letting her believe that they have a special relationship? Not telling me that this person even exists, let alone is in communication with him? He's lucky I'm even considering that a C- because I can easily classify that in the F- category again. Nevertheless, he thinks he's changed and that his moral compass is much improved.
I beg to differ, and I realize now that not all change is equal. When it comes to matters of the heart, and all others matters to, actually, I try to give 100%. I strive to do A+ work and to work as hard as I can. And I have in this relationship! I deserve more than A and I have to stop settling for C-. I can't fall into his crazy belief that C- is so much better than F, and that he is so much more of a changed man. Cheating is cheating and that is an automatic fail. Remember that.
Time off
I'm taking a month-long trip away from home to visit extended family. This trip was planned long ago, before adopting Mr. Z, my new doggy. I've made extensive plans to have him stay with friends of mine -- a couple who already own two dogs of their own as well as a 1-year old darling boy. They are the epitome of attaining the American dream, with their beautiful home in the suburbs, a yard and fencing, dogs, and the most healthy and loving relationship with one another. They are the family/couple that everyone aspires to model after. So, I could not imagine a better temporary home for Mr. Z while I am travelling!
I'm also taking this time away to read more on being a doggy mommy. I actually just finished Cesar Millan's book: "Member of the family"-- and it was fantastic. I can now vouch that for every woman/man who needs to work on greater self-introspection, getting a doggy can be the most healthy way for living and receiving love in return.
Nevertheless, I go to sleep and wake up thinking about B. and about our breakup. I sometimes go to sleep feeling angry for things that happened long ago. Back before he was even caught cheating, heck, back when we first started dating and the red flags were waving in the air even then! Looking back, hindsight certainly is 20/20. In fact, I can now see things that I didn't want to see before. What kind of vision would you describe that to be? It's like being tested at the optometrist's! I realize now that the O was never an O. It was perhaps a Q all along, but I didn't want to see the little tail that came with it.
Seeing how I am surrounded by extended family members practically 24/7, there has been little time for silent self-reflection. I am not ready for deep introspection either, so instead, I have been throwing myself into learning about dog psychology, dog training, and everything dog-related that could make me a better doggy mommy when I return home. I'm not sure what I miss sometimes. The truth is that as much as I miss Mr. Z, I can't help but think about the breakup as well, and to say aloud "I miss my dog" when in actuality, I am feeling like "I miss my ex-boyfriend". I simply have a strong sense of missing someone/something (perhaps both?) and a profound feeling of absence in my heart.
I'm also taking this time away to read more on being a doggy mommy. I actually just finished Cesar Millan's book: "Member of the family"-- and it was fantastic. I can now vouch that for every woman/man who needs to work on greater self-introspection, getting a doggy can be the most healthy way for living and receiving love in return.
Nevertheless, I go to sleep and wake up thinking about B. and about our breakup. I sometimes go to sleep feeling angry for things that happened long ago. Back before he was even caught cheating, heck, back when we first started dating and the red flags were waving in the air even then! Looking back, hindsight certainly is 20/20. In fact, I can now see things that I didn't want to see before. What kind of vision would you describe that to be? It's like being tested at the optometrist's! I realize now that the O was never an O. It was perhaps a Q all along, but I didn't want to see the little tail that came with it.
Seeing how I am surrounded by extended family members practically 24/7, there has been little time for silent self-reflection. I am not ready for deep introspection either, so instead, I have been throwing myself into learning about dog psychology, dog training, and everything dog-related that could make me a better doggy mommy when I return home. I'm not sure what I miss sometimes. The truth is that as much as I miss Mr. Z, I can't help but think about the breakup as well, and to say aloud "I miss my dog" when in actuality, I am feeling like "I miss my ex-boyfriend". I simply have a strong sense of missing someone/something (perhaps both?) and a profound feeling of absence in my heart.
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