When feeling rejected, disengage.

I am in disengagement mode.

For the last 3 days, I have been sitting with the information that my boyfriend had (or even has) a crush on one of his close friends. His answers to my questions have added greater doubt, and I have never been as insecure in my relationship.

Last night, I called him and it went voicemail. Mid-morning today, I get a text from him saying he was working out and fell asleep as soon as he got home.

I couldn't text back. I just wanted to pull away and disappear for a little bit.


Jay: Baby I went to the gym and did 7 miles on the bike then weights last night. I was so tired after, I passed out when I got home. (10am)

Jay: Baby! (1pm)

By the time it was late afternoon, I knew I had to say something. I wanted to be congruent with my own heart, but I also didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing, either.

Me: Hi
Me: Thanks for letting me know, hope you had a good workout last night
Me: I went to the gym this morning too! (430pm)


Yes, I tacked on an exclamation mark because it seemed important not to seem like a cold-hearted bitch. But alas, that is how I feel. I just want to disengage and disappear for a few days until I figure out how I want to have a conversation with him.

At the gym this morning, my friend Alesha encouraged me to write down a list of all the things that I want to ask him. So, here it goes, completely unfiltered:

1. Do you still have a crush on Connie?
2. If so... I don't know what to ask next.
3. If not, why not? What changed?
4. Were you and Connie ever more than friends?
5. If so, what changed?
6. If not, why did it never progress that way?
7. If Connie told you she wanted to be with you now, what would you do?
8. Are we together by default? Am I the second-rate option that you got because for some reason, you and Connie did not get together?
9.  Would you tell me in the future, if you had a crush on someone else?
10. Would you ever leave me for someone else?
11. How would I know if you were unhappy in our relationship and needing/seeking something elsewhere?
12. How would I know if you are happy in our relationship?
13. How would I know that you choose this relationship because you want it, as opposed to it being the passive option?

Here are my needs:

1. Greater elaboration on his crush and what that meant in his previous relationship
2. Understanding of what it would mean if he had a crush in this relationship
3. Why is he with me? Affirmations greatly needed
4. Recognition of why/how this bothered me

Am I missing anything else?
I don't want to over-think this too much because it shouldn't be a third-degree interview when I do talk to him.

What is the difference between being vulnerable vs. being needy?

What is the difference between being vulnerable versus being needy?

A few years ago, my therapist literally told me to stop saying the word "clingy" in the middle of a therapy session. She had tallied the number of times I said it within only a few minutes, and apparently I said it numerous times. She asked me why I kept using that word and applying it to myself.

So, I explained.
First of all: Wedding Crashers is probably one of my favorite movies ever.
Secondly: the scene really stuck with me, when Vince Vaughn (aka the character Jeremy) freaks out and says he's gotta leave--pronto-- because he's got a stage-5 clinger. Clearly, a S5C is equivalent to freshly chewed gum smeared onto your brand new shoe from the burning hot pavement. You just want it off and away from you ASAP.

In recent years, I have a newfound respect for S5Cs. They are courageous and gutsy because they pursue who/what they want! There was no shame involved in Wedding Crashers when Isla Fisher (aka the character Gloria) pursued Jeremy at full force. It appeared that she was 100% authentic, transparent, and honest with herself (**SPOILER ALERT** if you haven't already watched it-- it turns out she did like about some important facts, but the main point is that she pursued her romantic interest with her true heart of hearts).

Me, on the other hand? I think I'm an undercover S5C. At least, my greatest fear is that I'm a S5C to begin with. I'm definitely someone that constantly strives to be vulnerable and isn't that the same as being a clinger? I fear that disclosing my wants, needs, desires, is equivalent to letting someone realize how insecure I really am.

• What if what I ask for is too much? 
• What if I seem too needy? 
• What if he is unable to give me what it takes to "fill up my gas tank?"
• What if he chooses not to reciprocate?

What if, what if....

These questions inevitably lead to me shutting off all my questions. On the surface, I appear to be calm and easy going. But what's actually happening inside is that a million questions are flying out and I am trying to smash them away so that I don't reveal my true fears.

I read this awesome blog today that distinguished vulnerability from neediness. In short, the author shared that that vulnerability is about "being (you)," whereas neediness is about "expecting" from others. Vulnerability is based on the self. It's about how I want to be. Neediness however, is entirely dependent on the other person's response, and so it is outcome-based and dependent on someone else.

It was such a great blog post, I have so much thinking to do.

What does it mean to be vulnerable?

One of the major obstacles to intimacy is the ability to be vulnerable: to let down your guard, to let the other person see directly into you, and to let them access a part of you that is asking for them for something.

So, what does it mean to be vulnerable?

I think that being vulnerable is equivalent to being naked and not knowing how the other person will respond when you have a plea.

• You have to be willing to drop trou (drop your trousers-- is that what that means?) and let it all hang out. 
• You are baring it all and knowing that the other person may not respond in the way you hope they would.

Being vulnerable is sharing your most uncomfortable self while asking for something. It's letting it all hang out while saying to the other person: "Now that you see my flaw(s), are you still willing to stick around to give me _____?"

• The question-asking is a critical component. If it weren't for that, then we wouldn't call it vunlerablity. 
• It's recognizing that there is a supply-&-demand dynamic and the other person has the power to say no so that you are rejected in multiple ways: 1) for baring your soul, 2) for the request you are making, and 3) for requesting while being naked. It's a triple TKO.

I so envy people who are able to be vulnerable. I am able to do it with friends, but definitely not in a romantic relationship. In a romantic context, I've always experienced it as a weakness, and the reason why someone would run away screaming in the opposite direction.

When your boyfriend tells you he had a crush on one of his current friends...

I've been scouring blogs all day, trying to find anything to help me learn the skills to have a productive conversation about jealousy.

I haven't found one that can give me the concrete tools to do this.

I spent an entire week with Jay when we celebrated his graduation this past week. He flew in and spent about 4 days with me before we attended his ceremonies and then his bff's wedding. It was the most time I've ever spent with him. So, I've been in a bit of withdrawal since.

A lot happened last week. I'll save that for another post. The focus of this entry is about his disclosure that he had a crush on his friend while he had been in his last relationship.  Let me rewind...

Over the course of graduation weekend, one of Jay's friend, Connie, came to almost every gathering he had, from his 2 ceremonies, to the post-graduation lunch, breakfast the next day, and then dinner and movie night the following night. In between that time, she even gave him a gift and a card-- something none of his other friends offered him. Sweet, right?

A little excessively sweet. So much so that I noticed it and asked him on our 2.5 hour drive home. My question was initially innocuous because I hadn't expected anything out of the ordinary. I simply said to him, "Wow, I hadn't known you and Connie were so close. She came to every event this weekend and even gave you a gift!" To which he replied that he sees her as one of his top 3 friends from grad school. I was actually a little surprised by that answer, considering I know exactly who Jay's top 2 friends are, and have also felt close to them over the last two years. One of them is a girl, so I had asked him before if anything romantic ever happened between them since they spend so much time together, including sleeping over on vacation trips in large group settings. It didn't feel out-of-the-ordinary to pose this question again, and rather than respond like he did last time (he said "oh, she's like a sister to me"), he actually said, "Yeah, actually I had a crush on her when I was with my last girlfriend."

Huh?
What?
Come again?

There were so many things wrong with this sentence.
1) Had a crush on her
2) While in your last relationship
3) Had a crush? Or still has a crush?
4) In the midst of a relationship? Any relationship? This relationship?

I pushed away the shock factor and tried to ask more questions.
Me: So, why didn't you get together with Connie after you and your ex-girlfriend broke up?
Jay: It just didn't happen
Me: Why didn't you pursue Connie by ending things with your girlfriend? Your relationship fizzled in the end, so why didn't you jump ship if you felt chemistry with Connie?
Jay: We had been together together for 7 years!

I actually flipped out when he responded to my second question. I actually regret how reactive I was because it was not necessary to be so defensive. I said to him that if he EVER thought the grass was greener on the other side, then get the fuck out this relationship because I would not want number-of-years-together (aka loyalty) to be the only reason he feels tied down by me

And then a hot tear barrelled out from one eye so I had to stop the questions because it was too mortifying to let him know how emotionally intense I was feeling.

In essence, the conversation ended because 1) Jay is too dull (versus sharp) to notice how distressful this information was to me, and 2) I did not know how to continue the conversation in a way that would a) be constructive to our relationship and b) where I would be true to my own feelings.

It's been 3 days since this conversation and I still feel conflicted inside. I have a million questions swirling in my brain, none of which I feel confident in asking. The conflict is this: with any question I am asking, whose purpose am I serving? Is it because I want to know certain things for my own curiosity? Or am I asking certain questions to advance our relationship? This is a major distinction because couples do not need to know all the details to one another for a relationship to thrive or even continue. But individuals want to know for their own curiosity, and that curiosity can actually kill a relationship sometimes.

What to do, what to do?

Half a year later...

Hiiiiiiiii.....

I'm back! It's been 6 months since I've written, which can mean a number of things have happened.
1. I'm too happy in my relationship that I don't know what to write about anymore
2. I'm too upset/unhappy in my relationship that I decided ranting and raving was doing no good
3. I've found another venue to write about my relationship woes and successes
4. I've stopped writing altogether, and I've also stopped sitting with my feelings.

Well, there is no one answer that can sum up all of my complexities, but if we had to make a choice, the answer would have to be 1! And maybe a little bit of 4.

But now it's almost half a year later and there is certainly a great deal of change.

Yesterday, I drove down to Jay's place to help him pack up so he can begin his 15 hour drive to his new postdoc position. Goodbye, Jay. Hello, long distance relationship. I have been sad all day. I am also lucky, though, even if it doesn't feel entirely this way. Jay and his friends had to drive through my city on their way to their final destination, so they stopped to get gas here and I got to see him for 2 additional minutes.  I'm grateful for that. But still, I have felt gray inside after that.

The absence of Jay feels more substantial now than before. We took a 3-day trip together at the end of last week and the closeness and intimacy of road-tripping and living together have now clouded my sense of independence and autonomy. We left on Wednesday and drove 6 hours to another city where I had a professional conference to attend. I went to my sessions and received my award, and socialized with colleagues, friends, and acquaintances... All the meanwhile, Jay was my perfect companion/sidekick. If our genders were reversed, you would have said he was the trophy wife and I was the busy working man of the household.  Don't get me wrong, Jay is very very successful himself, and that is probably why he was so patient, relaxed, and able to adapt to whatever role I asked him to be. At times, my conference sessions ran late, so I was not able to meet him on time. There were also times when I couldn't respond to texts, so he would just have to wait for me. One of the ceremonies ended exactly one hour later and even then, Jay silently and patiently waited. I had hoped that for ONE of the nights, we could be entirely free to explore the city, eat whatever we wanted, and basically be anonymous and couple-y. But that did not happen. There were impromptu, spontaneous dinners planned with mentors I don't usually see. As a result, I had to cancel our private time and also delay our dinner time so that everyone can eat together. Poor Jay. He just waited. Again... silently and patiently. I seriously could not ask for a better guy.

On the drive home, I asked Jay what his favorite part of the trip was. I expected he would talk about one of the meals we had, or one of the walks he took on his own. Instead, his answer was, "spending time with you." I did not know how else to respond other than make a joke of it, minimize the meaning, and say "OK, seriously, what was your absolute favorite part of the trip? Not the restaurants?"

Sigh. I think this reflected my discomfort with unexpected intimacy and being able to express being moved by him.

The drive back was so long. I was so sleepy. As a result, Jay had to drive the first part and also the last part because I just couldn't hack it. When we got to my apartment around midnight, he came up to lie down with me for 30 minutes and then got into his car and drove another 2.5 hours to get to his home, where he had to prepare for his sunrise golf game with his mentors. Jay slept all of 1 hour that day, and when I drove down to meet him and his family to pack that night, he was basically a zombie. Why did he come with me to my conference when he had so much to do to prepare for his move? I really don't know. Trust me, I asked. He just kept saying, don't worry, it'll get done. It did, ultimately, but at the cost of sleep!

So, he's been on the road for about 10 hours now, and there's 5ish left. I'm grateful he has his 2 friends with him. Knowing he has social support takes away some of my fears that he's too sleepy on his own.

Looking back at some of my entries, I've really vented quite a bit about Jay and looked forward to having free time so I wouldn't be commuting on the weekends. I'm still looking forward to saving 5 hours/week driving, but my heart feels heavy and my world feels gloomy knowing he is not in a driving distance from me, and not even in the same time zone anymore. I miss him sooo much and I hadn't even realized how significant his absence would feel to me. There is a hole in my chest!

Emotional exhaustion.

I'm exhausted.

I completed my first year as a faculty member doing teaching, research, service, mentoring, and now the cycle begins again.

As great as Jay is, the more we get to know each other, the more differences I see between us. Our communication styles, our culture of community (I guess that's the same thing), our values and interests (diet, health), and I'm less optimistic about a future as I was before.

I adore Jay but seeing each other weekly is also taking its toll on me. Weekly 2.5 hour drives (ONE-WAY!) is too much for me. He is bringing 2 of his friends to town this weekend and staying at my place (while my mom's here). They want to go hiking and the timing couldn't be worse. To begin, I'm still in the midst of moving! Secondly, I can't hike because my hip is injured! Also... isn't that a bit selfish? Bringing his troop to do fun things in my backyard when I can't even participate in those activities?

I just want a break from everything and everyone. The events of this year exhaust me, and can be summarized as working a gajillion hours a week followed by being a weekend (full-time) girlfriend. I need a weekend solo. I need a week solo.

I saw this article and it validated so much of my feelings, reactions, and thoughts: The most productive people know who to ignore.

What do ya'll think?

Hiatus

Hello.

Been awhile-- an entire summer since I've written.
I went abroad for a month and saw my family. I saw a lot of Eastern Medicine doctors after one of them said I'm too stressed and may faint any moment. I got some intense chiropractic work done from all the hip pain I got from extreme crossfitting.  And when I got back from Asia, I found that my house had been robbed.  In the last 2 weeks, I still made it to my professional conference (with Jay in tow), and I spent the weekend moving out of my house and into an apartment. A gated apartment!

The semester begins tomorrow and I am so so so not ready. I have many mixed emotions and don't know where to begin.

I'll start with Jay because he was such a wonderful hero throughout my moving process; and without him, it could not have happened.  On the downside, he has not initiated any conversation with my mom and my mom has also spoken minimally to him even though the 3 of us are the most critical people in this moving process.  Mom is here, helping me with the move, and she has acknowledged Jay's hard work but his subpar social skills.  It's not etiquette, per se. It's not solely introversion either. Culture plays a rather significant role here, making the situation entirely fault-less, but still uncomfortable and unsettling for me.

Jay's typically a quiet guy, and shines when he's with extroverts. They ask him a million questions and he answers with flair.  But without people asking him those questions, he becomes just a listener. Not really a great listener, but a listener. Almost like... a wall. I can't even say he's absorbing what I'm saying. But he's there? If you behave in that manner with an older Asian person, like a girlfriend's mother for example-- it comes off seeming rude.

So, two things have happened in the last month that have really got me questioning our compatibility. The first happened when we took my/our first-ever trip together, 2 weeks ago. We arrived at the airport and when we got to the security check gate, he moved forward without so much as glancing a look at me. He put his stuff on the security machine, walked through the security check and never bothered looking back to see where I was. He retrieved his items and then continued briskly walking forward. Meanwhile, I stood there in shock.

What. the. fuck.

Aren't you supposed to wait for your partner when you do those things together? Even if you aren't dating, don't you wait for your travel companion to walk together?

The other thing happened this weekend when Jay helped me move. Don't get me wrong, he did so much for this move. But there were times when I or my mom would be carrying things while he was empty-handed; and rather than offering to help or even asking how we were doing, he'd just walk past us.

My mom has described  feeling invisible during the times the 3 of us have spent time together. He doesn't speak to her (he'll speak when spoken to, of course), he doesn't really even look at her, and he has made plans that completely disregard her. The more I think about it, the more livid I feel.

At one point during the weekend, my mom shed tears and remarked that both my brother and I tend to date outside of our native culture and language. She said that both of our partners have been hard to bond with and be close to; so she is resigning herself to the fact that she will be losing her children rather than gaining additional son- and daughter- in laws. This was so difficult to hear and perhaps that is why I feel so upset.

If my mom hadn't mentioned these observations, I might have swept everything under the rug. In fact, I've blamed myself, wondering if I'm too entitled by expecting him to anticipate my needs. But it's not, is it?

What to do with anger

If you ever ask me if I'm angry, my answer would be no.

I don't think I can even recognize what my anger looks like. I can't tell when I'm feeling it. And I don't know how to respond when I eventually see that it's part of me.

I've been angry for the last few months and I didn't even know it. In my work situation, I'm a minority in so many ways: the way I think, the way I do my work, the emphasis I place on making relationships work, and my thoughts on training. I am different in all of these ways, in addition to being a minority in race/ethnicity and relationship status (not married).

For the last few months, work has felt oppressive. People mock what I do through snide comments. If a student is passionate about making societal change, they roll their eyes and make jokes about this person being successful in the academic world. Then they say, "Oh, Sher, this student should work with you!"

People mock how I think change happens. Students think my work is unscientific because I value the importance of studying culture. To them, culture is not scientific. They don't think that because my colleagues don't seem to believe that to convey the message.

In turn, when I have been training students, I have been shell-shocked by their lack of emphasis paid to strengths, relationships, and connection. I have been angry about how these things are treated, and how undervalued they are. You would think that my response would be to model strengths, relationships, and connection. That would be smart. That would be constructive! But I got angry and I didn't even know it. I began feeling like it was incredulous for people to focus only on pathology and weakness. I became defensive and judgmental. I forgot that I was no longer a student and that my defensiveness has power.

I've been looking back and recognizing that I've been so angry at my environment, at the larger culture, and at myself, too. I wish I could have noticed that I was feeling anger. And then I wish I could have addressed it in a better way. I'll learn from this experience, but it also really hurts to have realized this... the hard way.

In-person incompletions

I drove down to see Jay this weekend. As we had discussed via skype, we planned to talk more about "us" on Friday, but I struggled throughout our time together not knowing how to bring it up. Here's the re-cap of our weekend together

Friday:
I arrived a little before midnight and Jay was still attending a party after running a 10k with his friends in another city, so I went to Jay's brother's house so that our doggies can have a get-together while we caught-up. Jay's brother told me about is plans to propose to his girlfriend next week, and the steps he had taken to lead up to this momentous occasion (e.g., getting her parents' permission, getting a diamond, waiting to get the band, etc.). We also talked about Jay's reaction to all this--or lackthereof! Apparently, brothers don't really process this stuff with each other. Later this weekend, Jay told me I seem to know more about his brother's plans than him!

Around midnight, Jay arrived, and the 3 of us finished a movie before we went to Jay's home to sleep!

Saturday:
We woke up naturally on Saturday morning and lounged for a bit before going to an outdoor BBQ party at Jay's friend's house. He played beer pong while I laid in the sun with his friend, enjoying the heat and savoring the cool breeze blowing our way. We stayed there for several hours until we finally left to go home to check on Mr. Z. He had thrown up 4 times that morning and it was very concerning that he had been unable to keep anything down. It turns out the jerky that Jay's brother gave him might have been the culprit because that was a new treat he'd never had before.

We had several plans for the afternoon prior to watching Godzilla at 10pm that night. We thought about looking for some golf shoes and also re-doing the grip on one of my golf clubs. We wanted to get some practice shots at the driving range  because earlier in the week, Jay had bought me a golf club as a surprise. We also planned to get some candies for the movie that night because his friend and I both loved Swedish Fish! All of that went to the wayside because we fell asleep in the living room. When we woke up, I suggested driving range and dinner, so we did! I asserted no fast food so the middle-ground was eating at Subway.

Before watching the movie, I told Jay there didn't seem to be time to talk about us since we're so busy! He suggested talking about it after the movie but, really... how do you introduce that topic after watching a super kick-ass action-adventure flick? I couldn't.

Sunday:
Sunday morning required an alarm clock so we could make our way to the golf course that was about 1 hour away by car. On the ride there and back, I thought of how to bring up topics about us.  I couldn't, I felt like a Debbie-Downer, so I didn't.

Finally at night, minutes before packing up and getting ready to leave, I sat down and asked questions about us and what the summer might look like. I watched the TV as I spoke -- both because he kept it on, and also because I was nervous. After we stopped talking, Jay checked-in to see if I felt better about our conversation. I did because he assured me that he's not all words, but that he will do whatever it takes to make it work.  I needed to hear that. He also emphasized that he has had a very successful long-distance relationship in the past and that the relationship's ending had nothing to do with the distance.

Whew, I think. Whew. I did it at the last minute, but I did it!

Bringing up my incompletion

After spending this week doing some deep emotional processing (alone, with friends, and through teletherapy with my amazing therapist), I planned a skype date with Jay so I can talk to him about my heartbroken feelings incompletion.

We talked about other things first. We then joked around a good deal before I got to the point.

1. I started by first asking if I can talk to him about something (he said yes). 
2. Then I told him how difficult it was for me to even have this conversation. 
3. Finally, I referred to the party on Friday and noted the inconsistency between his behavior from what he told me when he said we'll both know have news together about when he is leaving.

Jay said nothing while I spoke. Appropriately, of course, but still uncomfortable. Given his silence, I spoke more and quickly while secretly hoping that Jay would intervene so it would feel less awkward. But he let me talk, probably because he sensed the seriousness in my voice. Finally, I stopped because I said enough. There was nothing else to explain other than let him know that I felt such incongruence between us. I didn't get it, so can he explain it to me?

He did.  

Jay explained that nothing has changed and that he continues to be waiting for news about a postdoc position. He said he doesn't think much about leaving because he is so immersed in dissertating and anything beyond that feels outside of his current train of thought. He speculated that after submitting his dissertation, then the reality of leaving will likely begin to sink in. For now, he is completely and utterly focused on writing, writing, writing.

I thought about his answer and empathized with the need for his short-term focus. I offered words of comfort to say that I am confident he'll finish writing his dissertation, and certain that he'll be graduating. He is a rockstar, after all.  We may have changed topics after I said that. But in my head, however, I simultaneously felt like his mentality was quite selfish. I understand that dissertatin is stressful. Um, hello! I've done it! at the same time, I wanted to say, "what about me?" "Do you think it's fair for me to have such a short time-frame to absorb you leaving, based on a timeline that works for you?"

Jay plans to defend his dissertation in July, graduate is August, and anytime after that, he can leave for a postdoc! If it doesn't "sink in" for him until July, then does that mean I have to live in this kind of uncertainty and loneliness without being able to process him until July? And then, after that, I would have just one month to process his departure before he leaves for who-knows-how-long?! Does that seem fair to me? (The answer is no. In fact, it's a hell no!)

So I said to Jay that, unlike him, my experience of living in this kind of uncertainty has been emotionally tumultuous. Since I get zero information from him, I'm forced to squash my curiosity and deny the possibility that he is leaving. I literally forget he is leaving, and am "reminded" only when conversations such as the one on Friday comes up. The reminders are also freaking painful. It's not just the conversation itself; it's also because they happen with me learning this information accidentally and on the sidelines because they were't even intended for me. It's not a one-time experience, it's been multiple times! I cried as I spoke because I couldn't hold in how sad I felt. It was so embarrassing because I felt vulnerable and raw and terrified that he was seeing this part of my pain.

And then Jay responded.

First, he apologized for unintentionally hurting me because he had no idea this has been my experience. He said that he now recognizes how serious this is for me, and so, we should talk more about it in-person when we see each other on Saturday. Then he said, wait, I'll see you Friday, so we can even talk about it on Friday night, OK? I said OK and nodded. I told him I don't know what his expectations are about us and our relationship and that was what's been most terrifying. In my world, my friends and colleagues see the significance of this relationship and his leaving; but he doesn't seem to include me in his decision-making process at all! This discrepancy makes me question if we're even on the same page about this relationship.... Before I could finish my sentence, Jay interrupted me and said "Oh no. We are very much on the same page. I mean, I love you!"

Let me pause for a second here. It is so rare that Jay  initiates saying the 3 little words: "I love you"-- and so my heart skipped a beat and I flew toward cloud 9 before dropping back into our conversation. Then I had to give myself a reality check to return to what we were doing. As happy as I was to hear him say that, however, I needed to let him know my standing fears. I told him, "that's great! But it's not really enough for me. There's a difference between what you say and what you do and so, your words don't give me enough security for a future of long-distance." I gave him the example of wanting ice cream versus getting ice cream.  It was meant to be an example about desire versus action but I don't think I explained it well.

I then used another example of losing weight and said that I may want to lose weight but that is very different from scheduling time in my life to engage in activities that will lead to weight loss.  "Ohhh!" He said! "Intention versus action! I get it," he said. He got it! My heart squealed with happiness.

Towards the end of this conversation, Jay encouraged me to dialogue with him in the future. He told me I can tell him my reactions in-the-moment instead of having to hold them inside like I did this time. It was incredibly sweet and I felt so uncomfortable, awkward, and exposed. I told him I felt embarrassed and didn't want him to see all of "this" (aka my crying face). I asked if his Skype camera was zoomed in on my face or if it captured the entire background-- and unfortunately, he had zoomed it on my mug!

Jay is such a good guy and this was the best conversation I could have ever asked for, and the best conversation I have ever had. I have never conversed with someone like this before. Never have I been in a dialogue with a partner who is is receptive, open to, and attentive to the content of what I'm saying. H was sensitive to my emotions, too! Jay was affirming, responsive, considerate of my feelings, and he allotted me space to express myself. He was actively involved in our conversation and proactive in problem-solving with me so that I wasn't talking at him and feeling like I was solely responsible for the well-being of my feelings and for our relationship.

As a result, I never had to resort to using my back-up plan that is developed out of reactivity and fear. My back-up plan was to conclude our conversation with: "I don't know if we can be together if we have such discrepant expectations about our relationship and from each other. I can't be with someone who doesn't see me in his future."  But I didn't have to say any of that because he didn't let me! It wasn't even an option because I didn't feel so abandoned in the relationship that I needed to jump ship to preserve my own dignity and integrity. I didn't have to utter something that I didn't even believe. I was also present and real and genuine!

All in all, this was a success.

...and this weekend, we will be talking about our relationship. We will air out all the things that I am excited by and terrified of, such as our expectations about this relationship, our expectations of each other, and in some ways, planning the short-term future to know where we stand in the context of each other's life plans.

There isn't a conversation in the world that I could look forward to more than this.

At the same time, I'm scared out of my wits' end because we will now tackle topics that scare me to my core. I will have to tell him more about myself and my emotions. I will also have to know his perspective and that is terrifying. What if his worldview is dismissive of me? What if he doesn't value me as much as I value him? What if, upon realizing how much I need from him, such as him being more emotionally expressive and planful-- what if he then decides that I'm too much to handle?

Now that we are planning to talk about all things deep and intense, I am fearful that he will know exactly who I am; what my needs are; and then he can reject the real me.

That's the safety of hiding. When you keep your relationship superficial, you never have to worry if he's seen the real you. It isn't so scary because you can believe that he doesn't know you enough to want to leave you. Impression management is everything. Once you're "out" and once you're an open book and he has access to your vulnerabilities, then you will know that that if/when they leave you, it's because they saw the real you and didn't want the real you. There is no longer any control and you are at a complete disadvantage. AHHH! Now that is motherfucking terrifying. That is the stuff that bonds a couple and it's also what can lead to their demise.

Overcoming incompletions

The universe is good to me.

As I've been thinking about Jay, I've felt nervous about having difficult-and-necessary dialogue that follows my intense emotions. Of course, I can also stifle my own emotions until I explode. Why would I do that? Because "doing something about it" feels too threatening. Just the thought makes me sad because I don't know how to bring up past issues when it likely seems so outdated to someone else other than me.

And then I came across this article in my facebook feed. It is an article entitled: 8 steps to get past differences with your partner.

The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I thought that this article was written especially for me! The content focuses on how to address unresolved issues that are still relevant in your relationship, and gives advice for how to bring them up.

I am so relieved and liberated to know there is a term for what I've always struggled with. The concept is called "incompletions" and that is the unresolved crap that I usually deal with alone. Historically, it has always taken me a while to be able to process my emotional experiences. That means I grapple with many incompletions because not only are these issues no longer  not on his radar, but I also do not know how to begin to bring it up

So often, I don't know how to bring up an issue that's already passed. I fear being seen as clingy, overly emotional, unable to let go of things from the past. I am so concerned with impression management that the incompletions never have a place than go, other than to fester, pickle, and marinate in my heart so that they never get brought up.

Seriously. this was such a great article.

Bursting the bubble

My bubble has burst. Once it bursts, there is no going back.

My bubble is the illusion that Jay might be "the one" for me. It's the belief that we could live happily ever after together.

But, upon entertaining (even for a second) that he may not be the one, the bubble officially bursts and it becomes impossible to resume wearing rose-colored glasses about our relationship.  I also have to wave goodbye to all of the associated fantasies.

Today, I spent the day partly working and somewhat immersed in my thoughts about this relationship.

• Am I happy now? (Yes! For the most part) 
• What makes me happy in this relationship? (Feeling loved when I'm with him!)
• Will those factors still be there when we're in a long-distance relationship? (Probably not!)
• Why did Jay and his ex-girlfriend fall-out of love after being in a 10 year long-distance relationship?
• How might the same scenario replay itself now?
• Why is it so terrifying for me to anticipate someone falling out of love with me?

I wonder so much about Jay's last relationship and the role he played in its demise. Did he fail to cultivate that bond? He told me he felt no sadness when the relationship ended because they became friends instead of lovers. Will that happen to us? And will that be a function of our incompatibility or his lackluster attitude? How can I prevent this from happening? Can I stop it from happening? And is it my responsibility?

A large part of me feels fearful. I'm at the precipice of a decision because a small part of me is panicking and impulsively wants to initiate a break-up. I'd rather end things now than have him slowly fall out of love with me. When he falls out of love, he will do it carelessly and without any hurt. Whereas for me, I already know it will be a long, arduous, torturous process.

I totally wonder what his ex-girlfriend's experience of their relationship was like. Did she shed a lot of tears in their relationship? Did she feel overlooked and minimized when he planned his life without her? They were together for 10 years! I mean, gee whiz! I asked him before if he had thought of marrying her and his response was yes-- yes, because they had been together for so long! (What a crappy answer)

Where's the romance? Where's the passion? Is that how he sees relationships? Sees us? And sees me?

While talking to my mom over the phone, she speculated a somewhat boring predictable life with him, characterized by us living our separate lives while living in the same home. He will do his thing while I do mine. He'll work and have his career while I have mine. On weekends, we'll do some fun activities together and it will be that way over and over. He's not the type of guy to offer sparks or fireworks. There will be minimal passion and romance because he doesn't say or do things like that. But it'll work. It'll be a relationship that works and is sustainable because he's a seemingly good guy who seems more naiive and focused on his career advancement than mean or hurtful. He won't intentionally try to hurt me. If anything, it would be his oversights that make me cry, and his lack of attention to things that are meaningful to me. 

Is that the kind of relationship that I want? Do I want normal, stable, somewhat distanced, but an amiable partnership? It sounds horrible to me and I can't imagine anything more boring or even lonely. But mom emphasized that those are the relationships that stand the test of time! Whereas for me, I've also enjoyed the kinds of relationships that are tumultuous and adrenaline-inducing because of the highs and lows in the roller coaster ride. 

So, what do I want? And what do I do next? My heart hurts. 

Dagger to my heart

I neglected to mention that at Friday's work party, my heart got broken even though I pretended nothing happened. It happened when my boss met Jay for the first time. They proceeded to have a conversation about his future-- one in which Jay mentioned nothing about me.

She asked about his upcoming future and he told her that he's "leaning towards" a post-doc position that is in the U.S. As they conversed, he explained that it is a great position because it will allow him to lead a new research team to prepare him for creating his own research team in the future.

Wait, what? All this time, I thought it was a 50/50 possibility between a position in Europe to a position in the U.S. When did that change? Also, is that why he's interested in staying in the U.S.? So that he'll be leading a research team? How awesome, how exciting! How come I don't know anything about his decision-making process or about the factors driving such an important decision?

I stood in shock and hurt as the conversation continued forward...

"So, how far will you be away from Sher?"
16 hours by car.
"What?! Isn't that so far away? What about your parents? Are you leaving them also?"
Oh, they're used to it by now. I haven't been home since grad school.
"Oh my goodness, that means we'll have to take much better care of Sher since you'll be gone."

Thank you for caring way more about me than my own boyfriend does.

In the 3 minutes that this conversation progressed, my heart lurched and imploded at the same time. Jay lied to me. Last time, when I cried to him and told him how hard this upcoming long-distance change will be, he said to me "you'll know any news when I know any news."  Well, I clearly didn't know anything this week, but he sure knew a lot. What does that make him?  A LIAR!

I also felt ridiculously validated by my boss's complete surprise when she learned he'll be leaving and she expressed her concerns for me and for this relationship.  "What about Sher?" Yes, Jay. What about her and this relationship? You have a girlfriend-- or did you forget? Your leaving affects her-- do you have that bit of awareness at all?

When I came to work this Monday, my boss asked if I was job-searching in a different state. Apparently, the conversation she had with Jay freaked her out, and she was afraid I'd be leaving my current position to follow him!  Separately, my friend Gina told me on that same day that my other colleague expressed concerns to her that I'd be leaving my position because of Jay.

Uh. What? Leave my job for Jay?

I hadn't realized the irony of this entire situation until I talked to my mom on the phone this morning. I briefly mentioned it to her and she completely put it into perspective for me. Everyone in my life sees his departure as being significant in my life; but Jay does not perceive his move to have any impact on me whatsoever. I don't know how my mom does it, but she saw right through to that differential discrepancy in how meaningful this relationship is to us. She was so succinct when she said: "He may not be doing it on purpose, but is hurting you without even knowing it." I cried. A lot. The more I talked with mom, the harder I cried. She helped contextualize why this circumstance feels so painful right now.

This exact situation is a combination of my pain with Robert and the B. For example, she reminded me that words are just words unless backed by action. In my last conversation with Robert before breaking up, he told me "I want you, I want us" and then he proceeded to disappear from my life. What I'm experiencing now with Jay is similar: a replay! Jay says he wants to stay together; but his actions are inconsistent. He has said "I love you, I want us to stay together." Meanwhile, he's making his individual plans without even considering that I exist when he's making these future plans.

As for how this situation mirrors my experiences with the Serbian, well, it's not surprise that I feel completely betrayed. Jay told me he would let me know as soon as he knew anything about his upcoming post-doc position. He did not do that. His exclusion of me throughout his planning is also an overt way of telling me I don't matter in the long run. In fact, he's probably just passing the time with me before he moves forward with his life. WOW. This is so reminiscent of how B. used me to pass the time in his last year of graduate school. B. couldn't plan for the future because he didn't see commitment in his life (not when fidelity was required). He just wanted people to party and play with. He had no appreciation for anything future oriented.  Like Robert, he lived a life characterized as whatever happens, happens" (this was actually Robert's high school senior year quote) and moved on as soon as the next better thing happened.

Me? I am the opposite of all of that way of life. I am the flip side to letting things spontaneously fall into place. I'm all about controlling the future, being proactive and planful, and moving forward intentionally with as much precision, preparation, and anticipation as possible. If I want ___, I will do everything I can to protect ______ from other competing, demanding pressures of my time. I will prioritize and prize _____, and I will likely outline steps to ensure that I make time and reserve my energy and resources accordingly. I will take the necessary actions because "wanting _____" is different from "taking actions to make sure _____ is preserved."

On Sunday, I asked Jay how single life has changed since being in a relationship. His answer? He's more active on the weekends now, instead of being a bum at home. His response was like a dagger to the heart! Apparently, that's the value of having me in your life. You now have an additional place to go, and a playmate to do things with.  And when the time comes for you to move on with your life, well, then, goodbye plaything-- onto the next place, the next thing, and to whatever is happening next!

I feel heartbroken.

Weekend bonding

Jay came over on Friday and we had an action-packed weekend doing so many new things together!

He arrived Friday night to meet me at my colleague's home to attend a work party. He met all of my coworkers, some of my students, and he did it after a 2.5 hour drive in the rain. Afterwards, we went home and called it an early night!

On Saturday morning, we woke up and lounged for a good part of the morning. I made a bacon and kale egg scramble and we watched TV together until we both got hungry for lunch. We went to one of our favorite buffet places and saw that the weather was so good despite earlier predictions of a 3-day rain-fest. So we went forward with our plans to play golf! The last time I played 18 holes of golf must have been years ago. In fact, I still don't have my full set of clubs so I was quite nervous about how poorly I'd perform in front of Jay. He plays golf pretty frequently with his colleagues and I did not want to be humiliated. In the end, it turned out we were both around the same level--- fortunately because I retained more muscle memory than I expected.  We spent 3 glorious hours riding around in our cart and playing quite decently, I'd say. I had beautiful drives and his short game was incredibly impressive, to say the least!

Following our golf outing, we went to eat ice cream (in a waffle cone of course) and went to some sports stores to window-shop at golf equipment. We ordered pizza and was passing the time before our pick-up. When we got home, we got comfortable on the couch and decided to stay-in for the night. But after about an hour of sitting on the couch, my hip was in such pain that I went to stretch out! Meanwhile, Jay laid on the couch reading his kindle and watching TV. It was cute to see him there. At some point, I gave up on trying to stay awake so I ended up falling asleep before being gently woken by Jay. The rest is history, of course :)

We woke up Sunday morning, having enjoyed sleeping-in. I watched TV for a bit while Jay made an eggs and bacon scramble. Afterwards, I did some grading while he finished the movie. Then, we went on our 1.5 hour excursion to go outlet shopping for workout clothes that I've been wanting. Given my love for organic food, he also remembered that a new grocery store had opened in the same city and volunteered for us to get food together. What?! Clothes shopping and grocery shopping together? That is definitely intimacy in a new fashion. When we got back home, we finished watching a movie and got to spend some time together before he headed back for his drive around 9pm.

I came straight to school to do my grading and now it's almost 230am! Eek!

Revisiting an old wound

As mentioned earlier, Cinco de Mayo has sucked over the last few years

After writing my last post, I worked in the office a bit before deciding to revisit my old would. I decided to locate the email that I read when I catching B. red-handed with his cheating ways.  I searched for 5/5 emails and had to look through several years of old mail before finally finding it. His email wasn't entitled "Re: Re". It was "Re: ??" and at first, I hesitated before opening. It's been 4 years later since I discovered that email and I haven't read it since the break-up. But in the end, my curiosity got the best of me.

I took a deep breath and began reading.
First I reviewed his strand in the emails. And then her strand, then his strand, then hers again....
I read it. I re-read it.
And then I repeated the process in chronological order.

And then I laughed!  Out loud!  And very suddenly.

My laugh was sharp and it ended as quickly as it started. My eyes started to sting, but I couldn't cry. I was laughing too hard on the inside to twist my face into a crying contortion.

I laughed because I realized the email strands were funny, dramatic, and... psychotic. Here were 2 people who barely knew each other but were desperately clinging to one another. They couldn't actually like each other. They didn't even know each other!  These 2 people didn't even know themselves that they had to elicit so much validation from one another to confirm that their lives were worth living; and that their existence had meaning.

I laughed because I'm so fucking glad I got out of that relationship. It also dawned on me that I'm much happier now than before. I have nothing to mourn about. Why do I get so sad on 5/5? For what? It's a damn shame I've let so many Cinco de Mayos go to waste when I'm in a much better place now than when I was with him!

Why have I been so devastated by someone who was so dramatic, desperate, and clingy to anyone that would give him the time of day? What makes made him influence enough to change my mood from happy to sad? No more, I decided. Never again!

So, I took a deep breath and read that email one last time. I had a final laugh and officially decided that I never want to be upset on Cinco de Mayo again.  From now on, this will be a day of celebration. It will be an acknowledgment of the fateful day that helped me leave a lying, cheating, toxic man who lacked empathy and perspective-taking. From hence forth, I will celebrate having gotten away from him and being able to enjoy my life: either happily single or with anyone else that improves my quality of life.

Starting today, 5/5 will officially mark a day of celebrating my physical and emotional healthiness, my agency and mobility to pursue my dreams without worrying about someone else, and my freedom to be just me without wondering about someone else's judgment (ahem, B.)

5/5 will be a good day from now on and I will begin to model it ASAP.

...and you know what? I lived up to this goal. 

That night, I embarked on a 12 mile bike ride (4 miles completed by myself!) to cultivate my physical fitness, emotional and psychological well-being, and gratitude. I enjoyed every second of it. I felt grateful for nature, my bicycle, my friendships and social life, and I gave thanks to all the things I've gained since leaving a terrible relationship.

5/5 became a wonderful day.

Cinco de Mayo

I hate Cinco de Mayo.  There, I said it.

It is the anniversary of the day that I caught B. cheating.

I can recall it as though it were yesterday.

My discovery happened around 1030am on a weekday morning. I believe it was a Wednesday?
I was checking my email like I would any other day. On that particular morning, I was in a super good mood because I realized it was Cinco de Mayo! I fantasized dancing, drinking margaritas, and and dressing up. How perfect for a date-night! I was about to send a short email to B. to tell him about this spontaneous plan of mine! As I contemplated what to write, an email notification popped up from him. It was an email entitled "Re: Re:" which was strange because I hadn't emailed him to get a reply email... But I clicked anyways! Why wouldn't I?

And so it began: strands of emails between B. and some woman who he had met for less than 72 hours at a conference a few weeks ago. B. tells her he's in love with her and that he wants to give her citizenship papers so they can live in the same country together (apparently, she's not living in the U.S). He is pining over her and using pet names all over the email. He calls her his "dream" and says he lives purely for her. Below, in a separate email strand, she responds with the same passion. She has told her family all about him and they can't wait to meet him. She is so excited to start life together with him. She also dreams of him and agrees that life has no meaning without him. Both express similar sentiments that they can barely breathe without the other person.

I read.
I re-read.
I read some more because I can't believe my eyes.

I am so confused.
Throughout B.'s emails, I see pet names that are exclusively for me because they are based on my native language. Those are terms that we created together because he was fascinated by words and sounds of my language. But the email was not meant for me, so how does that make any sense? My head is spinning but I can't stop. I keep reading and re-reading. I read so many times that everything is reeling and I can no longer make sense of the words I'm seeing. My friend Mary is on gchat and I tell her to come over to my office ASAP. She's shell-shocked but calm. She forces me to have lunch because it's noontime now and I have to stop crying. We walk off-campus to a busy, crowded restaurant and for the first time in my life, I have no appetite, zero. I am hysterical inside but she is calm. I watch her eat, surprised that anyone can be so nonchalant when my entire world feels like it is crumbling.

Post-lunch, I return to my office with some calmness. I manage to get some work done. I am more rational now and see that B. has sent me a text like he normally does. I think hard, and then I act. I text him to tell him to come to my office. He arrives and appears like his normal, typical self. All smiles. I act as normal as I can without having to touch him or make much eye contact. I have to fake calmness for as long as I can. I invite him to sit down and I ask if he has anything to share with me. "No. Why?"
Next, I invite him to my office desk and ask the same question.  Again, no.
I open-up my email and have him read the email he sent me that morning.

What do you say now, bitch?!

The blood drains from his face and he swallows hard. He takes off his glasses and looks down. When he looks up, his expression is unreadable. There is no more warmth now, there is also no fear. There is a wall up. He is officially defensive and will offer nothing other than one or two worded answers.

"Sorry", "But I love you", "I don't know".

I ask questions but he gives shit answers.
"Why?" I ask.
"How could you do this to me?" I lament.
These are questions that have no answers but I can't stop myself from asking. He gives nothing away. Silence. I cry. He cries. It's over. I kick him out because I have an client now. It's 2 hours later and he's wasted enough of my time. Get out. Get out now. Get out of my office, get out of my life, because we're done. We. Are. Done.

That night and for the next 2 days, my best girlfriends come over and sleep-over. They are on suicide-watch and they make sure I never have to be alone. I don't party that night. I don't drink. I don't dress up. There is nothing worthy of celebrating. He has officially ruined Cinco de Mayo and he continues to ruin it for me for years to come.

Too white

"Simply put: I was a person of color in a workshop whose theory of reality did not include my most fundamental experiences as a person of color—that did not in other words include me.

No wonder I was unhappy in workshop. No wonder me and some of the other Calibans... talked constantly about the workshop’s race problem, about the shit our peers said to us (shit like: Why is there even Spanish in this story? Or: I don’t want to write about race, I want to write about real literature.) No wonder we all talked at one time or another of dropping out.

Some of you are probably saying: Fool, what did you expect?

That’s a good question. I guess I assumed that a graduate program full of artists dedicated to seeing beyond the world’s masks would be better on the race front—that despite all my previous experience with white-majority institutions the workshop would be an exception. What can I tell you? In those days I must have needed that little fantasy, that little hope that somewhere shit might be better.

Like I said: I was young."

This morning I read a validating article on diversity in higher education. It talks about what it means to be in settings that are "too white" and it totally captured either my experiences or that of my friends throughout our academic experiences. Here's the link below.

Junot Diaz's article on diversity in higher education

Until now, all of my posts have been about romantic relationships, but lately, my sense of social isolation has been quite salient at work. Race may play a role, but it's not just that. I'll elaborate more in the future, but for now, this article feels... comforting.

Half of a weekend together

Jay is coming this afternoon! ... And then he's leaving tomorrow afternoon!

I've been invited to a party this weekend and told him weeks ago so that he could join me to eat delicious food! Last night, he told me he forgot about a party he promised to attend that's back in his neck of the woods.  So, the plan is for him to stay until late Saturday afternoon so he can drive home to attend his shindig.

I was utterly disappointed hearing this.  I would never stop him from going to his event, but that means I'll only get half of a weekend with him.  Part of me wanted to ask why he would even bother coming because it seems like a lot of driving within a 24-hour period. The other part wasn't sure if I was asking out of insecurity, sarcasm, or sadness.  It was surely a combination of the 3. Still, this means we'll only have Saturday together, and Saturday is also completely booked, meaning I'll have NO time to spend with him on a 1-on-1 basis.

As it is, there are 4 social outings for Saturday: a fundraiser 5k with Mr. Z., a free yoga class with my friend Al, my friend Rac's house-warming party, and then the actual BBQ fiesta in the early afternoon. I feel tired thinking about all of these things, and especially knowing I'll have to say bye to Jay later that day.  There will be no time to do just me & him things this weekend. Goodbye bike, golf, sleeping-in, watching TV together, or cooking... together.

My disappointment makes me realize that I really look forward to having time and a life together with this guy. I want to do extroverted, social things with him and my friends together. But I equally treasure our 1-on-1 moments together.

Sigh. I already miss him.

Being ok with silence

Something has shifted within me this week and I'm now significantly less anxious.

In the last 2 days, I haven't felt sad, disappointed, or anxious when I don't speak to Jay at night.  I don't go to sleep wondering if he's forgotten about me or if I'm insignificant.  I am confident that we'll talk tomorrow if not today. I think to myself, "silence now doesn't mean silence forever."

My newfound calmness is weird. I've never felt quite like this before. Is it because we spent a "real" weekend together? Is it because I can now integrate him into my life AND understand he how integrates me into his?

I went to bed last night reflecting on this sudden different way of being.  The greatest change is assuming that Jay is a staple in my life. I assume he will continue to be my life. I no longer question if he'll be there the next day.

What a minute.... is this what a healthy and secure attachment feels like? Because it's awesome. It means I don't have to spend so much frantic energy worrying about things that are out of my control (ex: he's not there the next day; he no longer likes me; he's going to fall-off-the-face-of-the-earth). I can focus on improving myself. I can also make short and long term plans without worrying about all the what-ifs.

Wow. What a different way to live. What an awesome way to just sit and "be."

I wonder how long this calmness will last because I like it!

Me-time in the midst of We-time.

I drove into town last night to spend the weekend with Jay. Today, we woke up early so he can get to school for a conference he is helping to organize. He'll be gone for half the day and I've been excited to take my work to a coffee-shop or library to catch-up and spend a "real" weekend together. I emphasize "real" because this is what it would be like if we spent weekends together like a real couple, each with our own lives, right? It's not full-time couch-time because we're stuck-at-the hip. I also get to enjoy knowing he's within minutes of me and that we can reunite in the next few hours! I revel in that feeling.

So, I found a gorgeous public library near his house and I've been sitting in this glass room for the past hour, enjoying every millisecond here. There's a beautiful botanical garden surrounding the library, and with small glass bulbs, as though there would be a party there at night. It's utterly romantic and I hope to show it to Jay sometime later this weekend. Once you get into the library, they have sections of the the building dedicated to teens, children, audio/visual materials, etc.  All of the doors are see-through, and the windows are also gigantic pieces of floor-to-ceiling glass. The building is big, airy, windowed, and with high-vaulted ceilings. It is a bit overcast today, so the sunlight coming in feels just right. Not too bright so that it burns your eyes; but brighter and happier than the glare of halogen lighting. Tons of trees surround the building, so I feel like I am sitting amongst the trees, yet connected to all the things I want and need: laptop, electrical outlets, air conditioning, indoor amenities! I am soo basking in this place.

I love libraries and I love my day today. I am so happy that I get to do my work and also be able to juggle my relationship. And I'm excited that my social life is at full-swing. After lunch, Jay's brother and I will take our dogs out to the dog park for an afternoon of four-legged frolic. At night, all of us humans are going to their friend's pool party!

I couldn't ask for a better day-- with the exception of all this hip muscle pain. Must. move. around. And then continue to bask in this contentedness.